How to Obtain a Title of Nobility

Yearning to get into a club that is just a little too selective to have you? Tired of always getting the table next to the kitchen? For an immodest sum of money you can attach an impressive title of nobility to your name guaranteed to get you better service at the dry cleaners.

There is now a thriving industry dedicated to recycling old British titles. Through the efforts of numerous title merchants and enterprising English solicitors terming themselves "peerage lawyers," a cornucopia of desirable titles can be purchased through the mail-from the Lordship of the Manor of Brimpton to the Marquis of Removille.

In England, all royal titles are hereditary, and all peerages bestowed upon living persons can come from only one source: (you guessed it) the Queen. Even if you found a knight or a lord who wanted to part with his title, it could not be done. If the title is hereditary it is non-transferable, and if it is a "life peerage" it does not survive the holder's death. However, there are scores of perfectly legitimate feudal titles still kicking around. Feudal baronies were first bestowed upon lords of the manor who supported King William I following the Norman Conquest in 1066. Through writs of the crown over the years, various additional titles and associated lands were granted to the king's supporters in exchange for their fealty. Although feudalism was abolished throughout Europe by the 17th century, feudal lords retained their titles and property and passed them on to their heirs.

The hierarchy of feudal titles is as follows:

Duke/Duchess

Marquess

Earl

Viscount

Baron, or Baron of X

Lord/Lady of the Manor

Sadly, English aristocrats don't get as much mileage out of ancient titles as they used to. In Tony Blair's England, no one really gives a fig if your ancestor was the Earl of Coventry. And medieval castles are difficult to maintain, especially after forking over 40 percent of your inheritance to the British government. What's a poor earl to do? Sell the title, of course.

The Titles market

There are at least a half-dozen reputable resellers of feudal titles, and probably at least twice as many more disreputable ones. These outfits generally hold a sizable inventory of more common titles, ranging in price from $5,000 to $30,000, depending upon the peerage. Entry-level honors are seated titles, called lordships or baronies of the manor because they were originally attached to a piece of land. Lordships of the manor are widely available and priced at a comparatively reasonable $2,000 to $20,000. However, if you have visions of puttering around the grounds of your country estate, sipping Pimm's and eating strawberries, we have bad news: Almost all of the properties have been detached from the titles and sold. No house, no horseback riding. All you get is a lousy piece of paper.

If you acquire a seated title but still have trouble getting upgraded to first class, maybe you should think bigger. For discriminating social climbers, more prestigious viscountcies and baronies are available, starting at about $30,000. Marquistrates and dukedoms-the rarest of titles-will set you back at least $100,000. A small price to pay, really, when you consider the instant status you gain.

British snobs sniff that purchased titles won't cut any ice in England. (Seated titleholders, in fact, are not nobles, only gentry.) And while they may be right, who cares? The average American is not concerned with such picayune details as the finer points of feudal law. On this side of The Pond, anybody with a lord, baron, or viscount in front of his name is royalty...no matter how inconsequential he may actually be.