How Old Wives' Tales Changed My Life (And My Relationship with Food)

The things adults say over and over again stay with us long after we've grown up, particularly those funny old wives' tales about food. We're admonished as children that swallowing watermelon seeds causes watermelons to grow in our stomachs. Halloween candy is potentially fatal if not checked first. Here's how a few of those old wives' tales influenced my overactive imagination as a child, and probably screwed me up as an adult.

Old Wives' Tale #1: If you swallow gum, it stays in your stomach for seven years.

I loved gum as a kid. I loved chewing it until the flavor ran out and it turned grainy in my mouth. Once it reached the perfect consistency of near disintegration, I swallowed. The first time a grown-up realized where my gum was going, I got the lecture. "That gum will sit in your stomach for seven years!"

I fell for this old wives' tale so hard, I literally tried to calculate how much gum I could swallow before I wouldn't have room in my stomach for food anymore. I even tried spacing out the gum swallowing and keeping track of when I'd swallowed which piece. You can imagine my relief when I learned about the strength of stomach acid in elementary school science class.

Old Wives' Tale #2: Bad people put razorblades and poison in Halloween candy.

This old wives' tale isn't totally out of the question, but my mother took Halloween candy inspection really seriously. My sister and I were terrified of the candy we collected until it received my mother's seal of approval. To this day, I inspect all prepackaged food before I buy it for evidence of tampering. I can't buy food in dented boxes. I'll even reach behind the first item on a shelf to take something farther back, because it feels less likely that someone would have messed with it.

Old Wives' Tale #3: Eating too much sugar causes worms to grow in your stomach.

My babysitter told me this old wives' tale to curb my candy consumption. I only half-heartedly believed it, until we studied parasites in junior high. Slide after slide of tapeworms, hookworms, heartworms, and goodness knows what else scared the sugar-loving bejeesus out of me. For years, I secretly believed I must have tapeworms. I still get a little nervous when my poop looks funny. And yes, I look. That's how you know you have tapeworms, after all.

Old Wives' Tale #4: Swimming after eating causes drowning.

I'm still not convinced this is just an old wives' tale. In fact, I hesitate to eat a meal before taking a long walk. Eating too much at work feels like impending doom. I only feel comfortable pigging out if I know I can sit around for a couple hours afterward, safe from whatever evil force involved in this popular myth knows I'm exerting effort on a full stomach.

Old Wives' Tale #5: That beer will put hair on your chest!

When we were kids, my sister used to drink the leftover beer and spit at the bottom of the recyclables. Gross, yes. But she just couldn't stop. When my dad would catch her rooting around in the bag under the sink, he'd stop her and say, "That beer'll put hair on your chest!"

From my little girl's perspective, it made logical sense to me. Men drank beer, and men had hairy chests. I waited and waited for my sister to sprout hair like my dad, but she turned out normal. I guess in my naiveté I missed out on the party. Too bad, but I'm trying to make up for lost time now.