How to Get Out of a Cell Phone Contract

I know now why they are called cell phone plans. They are harder to get out of than a jail cell. The guy that designed cell phone plans made them harder to escape from than Alcatraz. You need lessons from Houdini to escape from a cell phone contract. You have a better chance of winning the Indianapolis 500 on a tricycle, dialing directly through to a government employee or getting your Toyota to stop, than you do of getting out of a cell phone contract.

A cell phone contract has more small print and special conditions than the 2.300 page Health Care bill. It has more twists and turns than a roller coaster. There is one clause that says you can get out of the contract if your birthday is on a Tuesday, but it must be the same Tuesday that your grandmother died of the Bubonic Plague and that bearing no ill will to the issuer of this contract, you must also make a half court shot blindfolded, while standing on one foot and reciting the entire book of War and Peace verbatim. I think we have all seen that clause.

Anyway, I was tired of setting my hair on fire and needed to find new ways to torture myself as sticking needles in my eyes , watching Judge Judy and sticking bamboo splinters under my fingernails was just not doing it for me anymore so I tried to get out of my cell phone contract the other day and walked into the local AT&T office not knowing that AT&T stood for All Torture & Torment.

"Hi, I would like to get out of my cell phone contract."

I should have known this was not going to work out well when the salesman called over his associates, repeated what I said and they all started laughing hysterically. I think I overheard, "why doesn't he just take a gun and shoot himself," but I could be wrong., When they could talk, the salesman asked ,

"Oh, are you dissatisfied with your service?"

"No, I am very happy that I am locked into a contract that lasts longer than my last two marriages. I am overjoyed to take out a second mortgage every month to pay the bill. Look, I can go to Wal Mart, get unlimited talking, texting , tickets to the next five Super Bowls , Dallas Cheerleaders dancing in my living room and a free picture of Sam Walton for just $30 a month."

"But Wal Mart doesn't have customer service..."

"Customer service? Look you come over and paint my house, take my mother-in-law to dinner every night and pay my kid's college tuition, now that is customer service, If sending me a bill every month, locking me into a contract until I die and charging $1 per 411 call is "customer service", I must be on the wrong planet."

Well, it would cost a kidney, a liver , my left eyeball and taking a sander to my private parts to get out of the contract. Or else it would take my first born child and a baby to be named later .

At least that is what I thought the man said. But I could have been wrong. Maybe he said, it will take a million dollars and you don't have it so you are stuck with us until you die a slow painful death from brain cancer because we forgot to tell you about the radiation leaking from your phone which is slowly destroying your ability to reason which is how we got you to sign the contract in the first place you bottom dwelling scum sucking idiot.

Or something like that.

"Okay - it will cost me a lot of money to get out of the contract," I said." I understand that. You have to come to my house, disconnect the line, pull my phone from the wall .... OH WAIT - ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUSH A FREAKING COMPUTER BUTTON."

Okay to be fair, maybe I didn't say freaking. I forget because that is when they called security and I was lead away foaming at the mouth and telling then that they could stick their plan...

Anyway, medication has calmed me down and I am going back to All Torment & Torture next week and try to get out of my cell phone contract. Right after that I am going to cure cancer, climb Mt. Everest and make peace in the Middle East.

A man can dream can't he?