How to Outsmart a Date Rapist

Bored at work again, so I'm reading Cosmo. Weird, I know. Anyway, Cosmo usually has three or four redeeming pages, usually about real women's issues... and I don't mean the very "real" issues of "what freaks her out in bed," or what is "sexy vs. skanky," or how to avoid being a "needy chick." In its December 2008 issue, Cosmo--"the Bible" as Elle Woods calls it--shares with us "How To Outsmart A Date Rapist."

The article starts out well enough. It opens with a few facts from RAINN, and progresses to share one of the essential points that makes date rape so dangerous: "If a man jumps out at you on a dark street, you know he's an assailant, and you react quickly. But when a guy you feel you know starts assaulting you, it can be very hard to switch gears instantly." (143)

Good work, Cosmo! (I never thought I'd say that.) You nailed it! It's this issue that makes rape, assault, and abuse so incredibly confusing. Because they were abused or assaulted by a familiar person, or a relative, many women don't report what happens to them. They doubt that it was really wrong. Some even wish it was "worse" so that they would know that it was wrong, so that they could report it. But I'm sure you know all of that already.

Maybe because it knows it is the "Bible," it feels that us women should read it unquestioningly and undoubting, but if I don't even do that with the words of Jesus himself, I am certainly not going to do it for a book that has blurbs like "Your Orgasm Face! :-O " on the front cover! Cosmo suggests that when we feel we are in danger--when a guy is taking it too far--to "fight like a tiger." They then share four points under the header "What NOT to do." These points tell us to not plead or cry, to not use reason, to not appeal to his humanity, and to not freeze. Each is followed by a two-sentence explanation. Let's not address them in that order. First, it's pretty easy to see why one might not want to try appealing to his humanity. Cosmo sums it up nicely: "Guys who try to force sex on someone typically have very low levels of empathy, which is why they can ignore their victims protests to begin with." (145) Makes sense. Onto the next. Not freezing may be a good idea, but "some women respond this way reflexively." (145) It may have been helpful for Cosmo to note how normal this response is. Abuse and assault are scary, and many, many women freeze. All Cosmo says is that "freezing is correlated with a higher risk of completed rape." It makes sense that it'd be true, but it leaves a lot of room for women to feel guilty, and should most certainly be elaborated upon. Third, Cosmo recommends that we try not to reason our way out of the situation, with the explanation that "there is no indication that talking your way out of the situation is useful." (145) To be perfectly honest, that's not nearly enough information for me. Many women think that reasoning one's way out would be an appropriate reaction, and Cosmo gives us little reason as to why we should listen and obey this commandment.

Oh, and the fourth and final commandment tells us that we shouldn't plead or cry. Why? Here's what Cosmo says: "Showing weakness may reinforce an assailant's sense of power... and the majority of acquaintance assaults are motivated not by sexual desire but by a need to control someone." It is this one which bothers me the most. Now, I'm not saying that Cosmo is giving faulty advice, but by glossing over such an important issue, it is doing a disservice to its readers. To many women, it makes sense to allow the assailant to know that he has the power, because they think if he has to do less to be able to feel that he has conquered her, he won't hurt her as badly, or become as angry. Cosmo really needs to elaborate on these commandments, which, by the way, are headed by this: "Recent studies have found that many formerly recommended ways to respond to a date rapist are actually counterproductive." (145). I just wish they'd say more. What recent studies? How were they conducted? What were the findings? Can we really trust a magazine that, eighty pages earlier, tells us which television dads are most "bed-able" and how guys view our "orgasm faces" and how to "make sex even sexier" and how to have "total body sex" and how to use "bed-shaking techniques" and "14 ways to up your hot factor" to help us protect ourselves when, for some strange, mysterious reason, guys end up assuming that we want sex?

Okay, woah. I'm not saying that it's our fault. I'm not saying that anyone is deserving of rape, or is "asking for it" by dressing a certain way or by following some of the advice Cosmo offers. But I would like to suggest that we are responsible for one thing, and that is for creating cultural change. Cosmo suggests that we take self-defense classes so that we'll be more prepared in an acquaintance assault situation. And that's a really good suggestion. But, girls, we shouldn't have to take self defense classes! We should have classes that teach men to respect women (and their bodies).

Maybe it sounds little silly, but it's up to us, as a gender, to demand respect. Those of you who are my age will soon be raising and influencing the next generation, whether or not we are mothers and fathers ourselves, we may find ourselves as teachers, mentors, and confidants. It is essential that we think very carefully about how we are going to raise this next generation up in the way it shall go. We need to work very, very hard to raise sons who respect women, and to raise daughters who aren't afraid to stick up for themselves, who won't let men push them around, and who have a deep sense of self-respect.

It will not be easy, especially in our sex-saturated culture. But there is no other option... their is no other way to protect our sisters. The responsibility is ours.