How to Get Over It

It's been a year now and I still can't get my ex out of my mind. I am 29 years old and I am still not over this guy. I know it's over, but inside I feel so out of control. I know he has moved on. I have even seen him and his new girlfriend at different events. He looks so happy. In my heart I now realize he never looked at me the way he looks at her, but still, this longing just won't go away. My friends want me to start dating other guys, but I just don't feel right. I call him, text him, and even stalk him at work. I do drive byes to see if he is home late at night, and honestly wonder if I am losing my mind. I read your blog and knew you wouldn't hold back with your advice, so please let me have it. I need help waking up from this nightmare. What can I do to help myself finally get over this?

Sheila From Atlanta

Dear Selling Yourself Short Sheila,

Girl, I have been there. You give so much of yourself to a relationship and then for whatever reason the other person just outgrows it. First its the distance, then they completely withdraw, and then finally they find the courage to tell you, "It's over.". I have chased my fair share of car bumpers in my life time, so I understand the emotional abyss you are in right now. But then again sweetie, this is what our teenage years and twenties are all about. We're learning.

Some will advise that you jump right back into the dating scene. Surely a new young stud will get your mind off of your old flame. Some will suggest you remove his name from your phone, block his email from your computer and donate that gorgeous pair of Jimmy Choo's he bought you to charity. I say hold up girlfriend. We've got some talking to do.

If after a year you are still holding on to a man who has obviously decided to go on with his life without you, then you my darling are the problem. Accept it. There is something wrong with the way you are perceiving this situation. Its sort of like looking at a dead garden, and hearing your mind say, "Wow, aren't those roses gorgeous?". The roses aren't gorgeous; they're dead.

It's hard to look at ourselves from outside of who we think we are. The truth is our friends and family know us better than we know ourselves. If you were my friend, I would do what I could to help you see just how dysfunctional and down right irrational your thoughts are. Thoughts always come before behavior, so obviously your not behaving in a healthy emotional mature manner either. So what does that say about you?

The first place to start is in your mind by correcting your perception through completely allowing yourself to come to terms with reality. He doesn't want a relationship with you. I will write that again. This grown man, who has the right to think for himself, who has the right to choose the kind of woman and or relationship he wants, doesn't want you. Ouch! I know it stings. But isn't it better to lance the infection so it can clear up rather than ignore it before it completely takes you over?

Addiction comes in all forms. Some of us are addicted to alcohol, cocaine, gambling, sex, perfection, and even relationships. Some people, especially women cannot fathom not being in a relationship. They fall into one relationship after another, tell themselves it absolutely MUST work out, marry these men, then suffocate their spouses who eventually leave them. Worse, sometimes these women make themselves so available to the men in their lives, that eventually they begin resenting the men they chased after in the first place. What a tangled web we weave! Yikes!

If you are pining away after your ex after a year, in his mind he is thanking the gods he dumped your pretty butt in the first place. You have frightened this man with your obsessive behavior, and although you don't see it, you are being completely self absorbed, selfish and down right silly.

Okay, so I am done trying to make you see that the problem is definitely you. Now what do we do about this little mind war you have playing out in your head?

First off, accept responsibility for your sadness. You are creating your own reality. Understand that your ex has every right to end the relationship if he does so chooses. And as a mature woman, you need to accept that no matter how hard that hurts.

Second, accept that this time is supposed to feel crappy. You're not supposed to feel good when someone you love decides he doesn't want to be with you. So stop trying to pretend you don't feel happy. It's okay. This too shall pass.

Third, ask yourself if you ever really loved this guy. I realize you think you do, but what is real authentic love to you anyway? Just by the question you pose, it seems you have a very unrealistic idea of what authentic love is. When love is real, it is felt by both parties. It is freeing, uplifting, patient, kind, understanding and carries with it no anxiety. When love is authentic, there is a bridge between the two parties that connects one soul to the other. In many cases it cannot be explained. But in the case of authentic love, it doesn't need to be.

Authentic love is the kind of feeling you feel for your child. It is a love that is just there. You don't have to rationalize, make excuses for it, or try to understand it. It feels right, warm, good, and as if it will last forever. The moment I felt my first born in my arms, was the day I finally began to comprehend the awesome nature of a love that just is. This kind of understanding love is possible between a man and a woman, but only if both parties are mature and emotionally enlightened to appreciate it. If there is fear or anxiety in you; if you are worried about being alone, or are hiding some emotional problems, you will kill whatever potentially good relationship comes your way. The plane you are on sweetie, is doomed to crash.

When you love someone, whether that be a dying loved one, a growing child, or a romantic interest, you are able to put their needs ahead of your own. Do not confuse this with co-dependency, where one partner consistently disowns his/herself for the sake of the other and winds up in an odd parent-child like relationship. When you love someone from an authentic and real place, you are able to let them go because you truly want them happy, even if that means they are happier with someone else.

True love is not for the weak of heart. And as cliche as it sounds, unless you love yourself you cannot love someone else. In the end you will suffocate the men in your life, and eventually they will get tired of taking care of your extra fragile state of mind, and feel the need to walk away just to save themselves from the chaos you are trying to make their responsibility.

This brings me to my fourth suggestion. Whenever I am in a situation like the one that you explained, which requires me to let someone I love go, I use my ability to reason to guide me, while I put my emotional self to sleep for awhile. Whenever we react purely out of emotion, we are often times "out of control". Surgeons don't operate haphazardly crying over the bodies of their patients, shivering, worrying whether or not their patients are going to die or not. Instead surgeons, pilots, police officers, and alike, enter their work arena's focused regardless of the circumstances they find themselves in. This type of mental ability is necessary not only in love, but in life, if we are to know true emotional freedom.

Your feelings are merely a guide. You do not have to be a slave to them. You must learn to seek enlightenment through meditation, prayer, and your intellectual mind. Being grounded, and still has helped me through the death of my loved ones, the death of my marriage, the death of my best friend, and to my sons spreading of his wings. I have loved, and I have lost. I have cried, but always survived. And so will you.

When you find yourself, you will realize you deserve only a man who sees you. You will wake up from the delusions you willingly find yourself in, and finally come to see, that unless you know how to honor your own self, you will never attract the right relationship into you life. Instead, your life will present itself as a series of failures, until you finally wake up, and begin letting go of your need to make men love you when they don't.

The advice I give to my own daughters I give to you. Love others enough to allow them to be who they are. Listen completely and with all of you not only to your own self, but to those God brings into your life. When you do decide to love, do so with as much of your mind, as you do your heart. Remember to exercise your right to think, and know that thoughts gone unmonitored, are like vampires to the soul. You have the right and the ability to create your own thoughts. And always, always trust your God given instincts. Your gut will know what paths are right or wrong for you before your confused ego based mind ever will. Remember that there is no greater gift than true authentic, mature love, but there is nothing more painful than immature, unrealistic, delusional love.

And Sheila, fall in love with yourself before you fall in love with any man. The real thing is out there, and eventually it will be your turn sweetie. For now, love this man and yourself enough to let him go. God cannot bring in the good unless you first allow the old and the bad to move out. Your choice. This is what free will is all about.

It is no coincidence you happened upon my blog.

Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous.

God Bless You and all the Sheila's out there...

Lisa