How to Parent Effectively

There can be no doubt; modern day parenting is a difficult job that requires a combination of knowledge, boundaries, and strategic principles; many of which are not fully attainable through life events, knowledge of traditional values, and/or cultural beliefs. In fact, most parenting styles are developed as the parent/child relationship develops; and, in accordance with the style of parenting that the new parents were raised. Regardless of these realities, it is paramount that a child receives a balance of love, nurture, and positive reinforcement; also, a consistent blend of democratic guidance and clear boundaries for successful outcome of positive social interaction and a strong sense of self (Hamner & Turner 1996, 2001).

According to Nancy Baumrind, (1966, 2011) there are three distinct parenting styles that she named; permissive, authoritive, and authoritarian Although there are many more ideas behind parenting and how styles of parenting differ, Baumrind's parenting strategies are portrayed in easy and concise terms. Additionally, these styles of parenting can be seen across all ethnicities, social environments, and diversified cultures; and, even throughout history. Looking back through historical outcomes, it is obvious that this is due to the fact that traditionally, parenting is learned from the parent's personal life experiences and beliefs; consequently, new parents use experiences from their childhoods, and fall into similar parenting styles that their parents employed with their own children; thus, whether good or bad results transpire, many times, parenting styles are handed from one generation to the next without much thought (Hamner & Turner 2001, 1996).

When looking at parenting styles, there is a lot to be said for the authoritive parenting style, as it is considered by Baumrind (1996) the most democratic, supportive, and effective for, not only the development of successful parent/child relations, but, also, for the development of productive and well adjusted teens, and also young adults (Hamner & Turner 2001, 1996). Clearly, through this style of parent/child communication, children are treated as competent for their age and maturity level, are not expected to perform beyond their level of ability, and are given the opportunity to share their point-of-view. Additionally, they are made to feel valued as important members of the family and society. Unwavering and clear boundaries and reasonable explanations for those boundaries are shared with the child, creating trust and a sense of security; as, observably, the child knows what to expect from the parent.

Additionally, the parent encourages the child to question things, values the child's choice to be respectful and obedient, and supports the child's pursuit of autonomy. Accordingly, the parent values the child's choice to voice his/her opinion even when he/she disagrees, and to become self confident in his ability to make decisions and come to his/her own conclusions. This type of parenting style allows the child to be autonomic while setting new standards of conduct as the child develops, through positive reinforcement. Additionally, the parent does not claim perfection, and she/he doesn't expect perfection from the child. After researching the literature from Darling (1999, 2001)on authoritive parenting styles, it is obvious that the outcome for children through adolescents and into young adulthood is positive. Clearly, these children exhibit higher academic scores, social skills, and self confidence.

Contrary to the authoritive parenting style, the permissive parenting style is vague and unstable in method, which is confusing to most children (Baumrind 2011, 1996). For instance, this type of parenting style uses manipulation and reasoning instead of exerting power or control (Hamner & Turner 2001, 1996). Furthermore, the parent using a permissive style of parenting might consult the child when making family decision. The issue with this choice is that decisions affecting an entire family are well beyond most children's maturity level and/or reasoning skills. Moreover, in order for a child to be accepted and valued in social situations, the child must be expected to conform to rules and regulation in social settings. Normally, this type of parenting style does not expect obedience in social settings outside the home (Hamner & Turner 2001).

Permissive parents are normally non-demanding and responsive. Furthermore, according to Tommie Hamner and Pauline Turner (2001, 1996), the permissive parent ". . . uses little constraints or inhibition. . . " (p.53). Clearly, this means that the child is in charge of the outcome in situations that he/she is not capable, is allowed to behave however he/she wants regardless of the effect upon others; and, is not expected to help with household chores, or cleaning his/her own mess, unless the parent can manipulate or persuade the child to comply (Hamner & Turner 2001, 1996). Moreover, a parent employing permissive style of parenting allows the child to use him/her [the parent] as a resource to be used as he/she [the child] wishes, with no regard for mutual respect or understanding (Baumrind 2011, 1996).

According to Darling (1999, 2010), Permissive parents are also considered 'indulgent or nondirective,' and are categorized in two types: "democratic parents who, though lenient, are more conscientious, engaged, and committed to the child, and nondirective parents" (Darling 1999, 2010). After researching the literature on this type of parenting style and studying the fourth style listed by Darling as 'uninvolved parenting style,' it is obvious that children with uninvolved or permissive parents consistently score low in academics, emotional and social development (Darling 1999, 2010).

In contrast, the authoritarian parenting style attempts to mold and control a child into the parent's ideal prodigy using forceful measures when the child exhibits self-willed behavior. Many times the parent uses punitive and forceful measures to control the child. Additionally, the parent restricts autonomy and expects the child to behave in a manner the parent believes is right and correct (Hamner & Turner 1996, 2001). Many children raised in this manner are shy and withdrawn; and, although they are very obedient, they are not accustomed to initiating inner-disciplinary actions as autonomy is not encouraged by the parents. Moreover, children raised in an authoritarian parent/child relationship, can exhibit behavior associated with anxiety and depression. It is common for boys that are raised with this parenting style to react with anger and rebellion as they get older (Parenting skills 2011)

Furthermore, authoritarian parenting styles are often connected with very strict rules and regulations that the child is obligated to follow. Although these parents do not show love and affection overtly, which is essential to a growing child's psychological and emotional development, they do mean well. In retrospect, these demanding and unattainable parental expectations leave the child no room for mistakes; as, the child's achievements become associated with the child's self-worth. Very often, these children equate love with accomplishments; consequently, they are normally insecure and exhibit low self esteem. Clearly, this parenting style is not optimal for children and enforcing such unattainable standards is detrimental to the child's overall psychological well-being (Parenting styles 2011).

In this era, there are many family types, as the traditional nuclear family is fast becoming a thing of the past. Case in point, at one time the traditional family had one working parent (traditionally the male), and one stay at home parent (traditionally the female). This made family life and family events more predictable and stable. In contrast, at the present time in American history, most parents work and share the responsibilities associated with child rearing. Furthermore, many children are latch-key and/or involved in afterschool care programs, or are raised, in part, by extended family or friends. Additionally, there are blended families, foster parents, adoptive parents, same-sex couples, and single parent families to consider. Within all of these variables, culture must be regarded in-order-to acquire a complete understanding of child outcomes in our diverse culture (Hamner & Turner 1996, 2001).

According to Hamner and Turner, adopted children have just as strong a bond with their adoptive parents as children do with the biological parents; even so, they tend to be more vulnerable to emotional, behavioral, and academic problems than their non-adopted peers. Additionally, it seems that boys are particularly vulnerable to these negative outcomes. Furthermore, adoptees of same-sex parents struggle with cultural and peer judgment, which can cause behavioral problems that affect all aspects of the child's development. Moreover, intercontinental adoptees can exhibit behavioral problems as they realize they are culturally different than their adoptive parents. Clearly, an authoritive parenting style and a respectful integration of both cultural and traditions within the home are important aspects to curbing negative outcomes; even so, some adoptive arrangements do not work out and the children are returned to foster care (Hamner and Turner 1996, 2001).

Moving forward, single parents raising a biological child have much to juggle and are under more stress than dual-parent families, because they must attempt to take on both parental roles. Additionally, a child in a single parent family may spend time alone (latch-key) and be responsible for a large portion of household chores, while waiting for their parent to come home from work. When a child is left alone at an early age with no direction, emotional development as well as language and academic development can suffer. Moreover, single parent children can suffer from guilt and anxiety by blaming themselves for the departure of the absent parent. Normally, an open and loving relationship with clear boundaries and diplomatic relations; coupled with adequate child care are helpful in curbing negative outcomes (Hamner and Turner 1996, 2001).

Another significant cultural change in America is blended families. When two separate families unite under one roof, there is much to consider. For instance, becoming a step-parent can be difficult, but within a blended family there is much more to consider. Clearly, dealing with two ex-spouses parenting styles and a new spouse's parenting styles can be confusing not only to each parent, but also to the children. Moreover, when the family size jumps (hypothetically) from four children to eight children; and, from one parent in the home, to two parents in the home, and two parent without, cohesion between parenting styles can become difficult at best. Even so, through planning and patients, blended families can become successful. Understandably, parenting styles need to be agreed upon before the transition, and it is important to note that the closer those parenting choices resemble the authoritative style, the smoother the transition for the children (Kemp & Segal & Robinson, 2001-2011)

In retrospect, parenting is a difficult job that requires knowledge, boundaries, and strategic principles that are not fully attainable throughout an adult's life events. In fact, most parenting styles are handed down from one generation to the next, without much consideration of historical results. Regardless of these realities, it is paramount that a child receives a balance of love, nurture, and positive reinforcement from their parents. Furthermore, it is important that democratic guidance and clear boundaries are a consistent force in the parent/child relationship for successful teen and adult psychological development consisting of positive academic scores, constructive social interactions, and a strong sense of self (Darling 1999, 2011).

In conclusion, parenting is a lifetime commitment that requires much more knowledge than most parents acquire during their lifetime. Clearly, it is crucial that society aides new parents in understanding child development and family dynamics during the teen years; thereby, equipping young adults with an education before they take the parental plunge.

References

Baumrind D. (1966): Prototypical descriptions of 3 parenting styles. Grobman K. A. developmentalpyschology.org; retrieved o July 21, 2011 from, http://www.devpsy.org/teaching/parent/baumrind_styles.html and http://www.devpsy.org/teaching/parent/baumrind_parenting_styles.pdf

Darling N. PHD, MS (1999, 2011) Parenting styles and its correlates. Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education; retrieved on July 21, 2011 from, http://www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html

Hamner & Turner (2001, 1996) Parenting in contemporary society (4^th ed.). Allyn & Bacon: A Pearson Education Company.

Kemp G. M.A. & Segal J. Ph.D., & Robinson L. (2001-2011) Guide to Step-parenting and blended families. HELPGUIDE.org, a TRUSTED Non-Profit Resource Retrieved on July 25, 2011 from, http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

Parenting Skills (2011 March 25) Adverse affects of authoritarian parenting styles on kids; retrieved on July 25, 2011 from, http://www.parenting-skills.org/157/adverse-effects-of-authoritarian-parenting-style-on-the-children