How You Parent May Increase the Chances of Your Child Becoming a Criminal

Parents don't generally sit around worrying that their child may grow into a murderous adult. Yet, every murderer was once a child. For the most part, I'd be willing to bet their parents never saw it coming. For all of us who would like to say, "My child could never do that", I'm sure many before us have uttered those same words and are now visiting their incarcerated child.

Even when warning signs are clear to others, parental love keeps us from seeing them. We don't want to believe our child is capable of killing. We may harbor the fear deep within us, knowing something isn't quite right, but still can't openly acknowledge it. Therefore, we don't seek the intervention our child needs such as law enforcement or mental health professionals. Many times the reasons we don't seek outside help are purely selfish. If our child is a murderous monster what are we? The stigma of being the parent of a violent criminal is a heavy burden. So we sit back, make excuses for our child and ourselves and pray to God no one ever finds out what we suspect in the deepest part of our parental core.

Sadly, in our haste to hide the crimes of our children, we miss opportunities to change the course they are on. Case in point, Joran van der Sloot. One missing and assumed dead teen, one girl savagely beaten to death, one man accused in both crimes and three families forever linked in a most atrocious manner. Van der Sloot's parents could've interceded and altered the path of their son long before Natalee Holloway ever arrived in Aruba. His mother now admits her son has problems. Had she done so during the Holloway case Stephany Flores would be alive and well today.

Van der Sloot's parents, especially his now deceased father, have long been suspected of covering the crimes of their son. Their entire focus was on upholding their reputation by presenting Joran as a victim of circumstance. Their intent was to protect him from a life behind bars. In their zeal of doing so, they ignored the obvious and placed the importance of a missing American teenager behind the desire to see their son avoid prison.

They were somewhat successful. Van der Sloot did not go to an Arabian jail for the death of Natalee Halloway. Instead, he's in a notorious prison in a foreign country, where he was virtually caught on surveillance tape murdering the daughter of a prominent Peruvian businessman. As a direct result of his lack of punishment in the Holloway case, he's facing greater charges with harsher punishment in a country determined not to repeat Aruba's mistakes.

Experts cite Van der Sloot's parents behavior in this instance as a common theme throughout his life. He acts up, breaks rules and his parents, rather than hold him accountable, opt instead to change the rules so that he is no longer breaking them. When a child crosses a line and the parents respond by moving the line, a dangerous precedent is set. Our kids learn that rules are not really rules but merely movable boundaries. And with each movement the line between right and wrong becomes more blurred.

It's critical that we see discipline not as a form of punishment but as a tool of guidance. The mind-set that we're hurting our children by punishing them is ridiculous. Discipline comes from a deep love that knows life is hard and understands how to prepare a child for it. Parents twho forego discipline, don't follow through on set punishments or defend a child's poor behavior are seen as weak by their children and therefore not important enough to be listened to or obeyed.

Murder requires two main elements: motivation and opportunity. When parents don't hold their kids accountable starting at a young age and carry through their entire lives, they actually complete the first requirement for murder. They become the motivation. The coddled child grows into the rebellious teen, which eventually gives way to the adult criminal. When parents continually move boundaries it prevents their kids from learning how far is too far. They have no idea where to draw the line because no one ever drew it for them. The child that always escapes repercussions will keep pushing until he or she finally finds the immovable line. Then it's too late.

People don't just wake up one day and say, "I think I'll go kill someone today." It may appear that way and the murderer may even recite those very words. However, history and research contradict the notion. Dr. Michele Borba, an educational psychologist and child expert, makes the point clear. "I'm convinced that violence is learned and in the vast majority of cases could have been prevented if someone (a caring, committed adult) had intervened." Borba goes on to explain that there is a prelude to violence. A build-up of events takes place years before the crime is committed. Like compressed gas the pressure builds inside the individual. Then a seemingly minor event occurs and becomes the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

The parental mantra is "My kids are the most important thing in my life. I'll do anything for them." If we actually mean that then discipline should be at the top of our list regardless of how difficult it is, how angry or disappointed our child is and how much we don't want to do it. Always keep in mind that the sting of successful parenting is eased by the knowledge that one day our children will thank us for loving them enough to discipline them.

Resources
http://www.micheleborba.com/
http://www.ed.gov/