How to Parent a Perfectionist

One day, while helping a group of second graders with a project, I encountered a student who was thought to be an underachiever. The children were drawing a picture to go along with a poem they had written. As the other children in the group worked happily on their drawings, this one boy would begin a picture, scribble over it and begin again on a new sheet of paper. As the time came to an end, I encouraged him to finish the current picture he was working on, but he refused and wanted to start over again.

"It's not perfect," he told me, his face red with frustration. In the end he had no picture finished to turn in. The classroom teacher only shook his head. "He never completes his work," he told me.

Unfortunately, what neither his teacher nor his parents saw was that this boy was a perfectionist. What he needed was to be taught work skills instead of being written off as lazy or incompetent.

Perfectionist or Healthy Achiever

There is a fine line between a child who is a perfectionist and one who is a healthy achiever. As parents, we must first determine which personality our child has before we can attempt to help him cope with his traits. In its simplest term, the healthy achiever has drive while the perfectionist is driven.

The main characteristics of a perfectionist are: Setting high performance standards that can't possibly be attained; motivated by fear of failure rather than applying their skills toward success; self-worth is based on accomplishments; perfection is key, anything less than perfection is not good enough; expects to always be successful therefore does not enjoy when success is attained; procrastinates on work that will be judged; and work must always be perfect so they will re-do a project several times, no matter how long it takes, to achieve perfection. Other signs include: unwillingness to volunteer answers to questions unless certain of the correct answer and overly emotional and "catastrophic" reaction to minor failures.

A healthy achiever has many of the same qualities except they are less stringent. Characteristics include: Setting attainable standards that are above average but still possible; enjoys working through the entire project, not just attaining an outcome; uses failure and disappointment to motivate them to work even harder; fear and anxiety is used in a positive way to help motivate rather then as a reason to quit; learns from mistakes instead of giving up; and can take positive criticism and use it to learn.

These small differences between a perfectionist and a healthy achiever can make a world of difference as to a child's success or failure. A parent who can identify his child's behavior as that of a perfectionist will have a much easier time raising him.

The Positive/Negative Sides of Perfection

Some researchers believe that a perfectionist's personality is inborn, while others claim it to be a learned condition. Whichever it is, it can have both positive and negative affects on a child depending upon how parents and teachers react to his perfectionism.

In the extreme, perfectionists become obsessive, feeling nothing is worth doing unless it is done perfectly. But perfectionism is an illusion and can be damaging to a young child because many times his self-worth is tied to his accomplishments. Perfectionist children are looking for acceptance from parents, teachers, coaches and others and believe being perfect in all they do will help them acquire it. This all or nothing attitude can lead to many negative outcomes such as: depression, compulsiveness, performance anxiety, suicidal thoughts, social anxiety, obsessive behavior, loneliness, impatience, frustration and anger.

Many times when a perfectionist personality is confronted with a project he becomes so obsessed over producing the perfect product that it overwhelms him to such an extreme that he gives up trying. It's not that the child is incapable of succeeding but that he is frustrated with not having a perfect success.

Not all aspects of a perfectionist personality are negative. When handled properly, perfectionists perform to maximum capacity, achieving well beyond their non-perfectionist counterparts. Because of their drive to please, they make conscientious students and employees. And although they are detail orientated and may work slower the end product is usually one worth waiting for.

What Teachers Can Do

Children have different learning styles and this should be recognized and validated by teachers. Approaching the student's perfection-orientated attitude in a positive way can also help in teaching the child task management skills.

The perfectionist student needs to reset their performance norms and expectations. They must learn that school is a place to learn and errors are normal in the learning process. Learning how to let themself make mistakes without criticizing themselves is a big step to combating their perfectionist behavior.

Dismissing their concerns as irrelevant and expecting them to change their views overnight will get you nowhere. You might as well ask that grass not be green. Teachers need to use active listening methods to encourage the perfectionist student, and take the student's concerns seriously. Only then can teachers help the student plan more realistic steps to achieving their goals.

Ways teachers can accomplish this are:

"Give permission" to make mistakes and discuss appropriate reactions to making mistakes.

Use un-graded assignments that call for creativity and individual responses rather than one correct answer.

Place limits on procrastination by limiting the amount of correcting or start-overs allowed.

Have an open, encouraging environment free of criticizing and controlling or suppressing perfectionist tendencies.

What Parents Can Do

It is up to the parents to recognize if their child has perfectionist tendencies and then work with the child and his teachers to help teach the perfectionist new ways to view everyday tasks. Parents, however, must continue at home the changes being taught in school. The following are tips for parents to help their perfectionist child at home.

Reassure your child that he is loved not for the things he does, but for who he is.

Help your child set reasonable goals. If a particular subject is difficult for him, encourage him to set his goals for a "B" grade instead of struggling for an "A". If he earns the "A" grade, then celebrate - that's a bonus.

Focus on your child's strengths in both school and sports. No one excels at everything. Help him rely on his strengths rather than focus on his weaknesses.

Don't criticize. Perfectionists tend to be self-critical enough and don't need to hear it from you too.

Focus on what your child is learning and doing in school rather than just noticing his letter grades. This will help your child focus more on the learning process rather than obsessing over straight A's.

Help him funnel anger and frustration in a positive way. Many times perfectionists give in to anger over not being perfect and give up a project. Instead, teach him to funnel the excess energy caused from anger into creating the project. Being able to funnel anger to the positive is a skill your child will be able to use for a lifetime. Beware, this takes time, patience and maturity to develop, but is well worth the effort.

Most of all, watch for any perfectionist behaviors you may have. If you are obsessed with tidiness, organization, appearance, or creating the perfect outcome for every project, then this will spill over on your child. Calming your own perfectionist traits and showing your child that we are all human will go a long way toward helping her control her perfectionism.

In the case of the young boy mentioned earlier, the causes of his behavior were identified by his third-grade teacher as perfectionism. Now, with the help of his teachers and parents, he is learning the skills he needs to succeed. His perfectionism has now become an asset and is no longer holding him back.