How Parents Affected by Their Children's Socially Unaccepted Behavior Deal

After trials of sticker charts, count downs and time-outs have all been completed. All the child rearing books have been read and every theory has been put to the test. The doctors' suggestions have been followed to the letter and the child's diet has been adjusted. When none of the above works, parents of children with emotional, mental or behavioral disorders find themselves exhausted, frustrated and at the end of their rope. The affected children often spend long periods of time confined to chairs, bedrooms and corners while parents stand guard nearby. For these parents home becomes a prison where they are the warden. Parents have confiscated toys, Playstations, Nintendo 64's and anything else that might encourage the child to exhibit positive behavior. They have offered candy, money and trips to the moon. They have begged and pleaded. Many times frustrated parents have done every single thing they swore they would never do in an effort to regain control.

Parents of children with emotional, mental and behavioral disorders are often blamed for the behavior exhibited by their child. Mentally ill, emotionally disturbed and hyperactive children are known to display behavior that is bewildering, bizarre and downright scary to an outsider. Well-intentioned family members, friends and even strangers at the local grocery store are quick to offer advice without taking the feelings of the parents into consideration. False assumptions can rip parental confidence to shreds. After years of struggling to control a child that is out of their reach parents have often already begun to doubt their own judgment. They have developed serious concerns regarding their roles as parents and even start to question whether or not they might actually be the problem.

Doctors, teachers and friends tend to assume that the parents are not applying the proper disciplinary techniques or that the parents are inconsistent in their parenting practices. "If you didn't give in to him all the time, he wouldn't act that way. Don't go back on your word so much. No means no." The parent becomes a prisoner to his or her word. Voices echo through their minds, as they account for having followed each and every word to the letter. Seeing no change in the behavior of the child, the parent often begins to sink into clinical depression.

As desperation sets in, the unsolicited advice frequently comes to include corporal punishment. "That boy just needs a good whipping. You just need to put him in his place. You need to show him who's boss." The last ditch effort is often to spank the child for every offense. For many parents, especially for those who did not even consider corporal punishment an option, this can produce debilitating guilt and destroy what little confidence they have left. In the end the child, who desperately needs guidance and structure, becomes the ruler of the roost. The parent has been defeated and with every additional "word to the wise" they become more and more convinced of their own inadequacy in regard to raising their child.

Any social life the family may have entertained is non-existent. Holidays and family functions have become embarrassing events that leave the child, the parents and innocent bystanders visibly shaken. The unpredictable behavior of the child, combined with the constant and unyielding scrutiny of others, places the family under a self-imposed quarantine. Leaving the home only when absolutely necessary becomes a way of life.

The family is sometimes perceived as aloof by neighbors, ungrateful by family and evasive by teachers and other professionals. They avoid school functions due to seemingly countless and ineffective conferences. A phone call, in the middle of a school day, may set off a panic attack. The parents fear answering the phone and wonder what offense their child has committed this time. The distance they have placed between themselves, and the world at large, is a defense mechanism. By avoiding the situations, that seem to exacerbate whatever problems the child may have, parents can protect themselves from any further shame and reproach. They can, most importantly, protect the child from the cold and unfeeling stares of people who do not, will not or choose not to understand. Unfortunately, such isolation also makes it difficult for the child to develop the social skills necessary for a productive life.

Clinical social workers, psychologists, school counselors assess the unusual behavior of this child. It often seems that instead of doing a proper evaluation of the situation as a whole, they zero in on the mother and father as the catalyst for the behavior. Parents who become defensive are branded guilty or too sensitive about the issue. They are often accused of abuse, even more so if the parent in question is single. A trip to the principal's office, for a parent-teacher conference, can strike third-grade terror into the hearts of grown men and women. If they are involved in the child's education they are often treated as a nuisance. If they shrink away from the room-mother/PTO-member/fund-raising parent mold, they are seen as neglectful and uninvolved.

Many of these parents develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to dealing with situations involving both the child and the child's clashes with the outside world. Neighbors call at all hours of the day with complaints and threats. The Department of Human Services knocks on the door because a teacher reported bite marks on the child that were self-inflicted. The teacher does not mean any harm and neither do the neighbors. The teacher is only doing her job and what she feels is morally right. The neighbors are understandably upset and expressing it to the parent in some hope that it can be rectified. After a number of years facing these kinds of crises on a daily basis, parents are often found to have agoraphobia, panic disorder and clinical depression.

These parents need help, not advice. They need someone to tell them that they are doing the best that they can. The children that they raise are often viewed as outcasts, misfits and troublemakers. When the child displays inappropriate behavior, it is unfairly viewed as a reflection on the parent. Instead of being annoyed, the next time you see a child acting out at the mall or the library, put yourself in that parent's shoes for just one second. Imagine what it would be like to have your child create a scene in public, in front of company or at home. Then imagine that nothing you did could stop it. How would you feel? What would you do? Now imagine that happening every day for the next ten years. Need I say more?