How My Parents Divorce Separated me From my Dad

My dad married a woman 12-years younger. I was 9 at the time. Boy was she scary. She had red hair and wanted all of my dads attention. Me on the other hand was very shy, I didn't know how to ask for attention. I sat in the background as I did for so many years. My dad tried to show as much attention as he could that he started hiding his attention in any way he could. He would secretly give me some money and tell me not to tell her. My time with my dad was only in the summer as he lived 6-hours away from my mom. I spent the school year at my moms and 2-months out of the summer with my dad.

The only thing I really remember that me & my dad did, was go on motorcycle rides. All other activities included my step-mom. I have very mixed feelings about my dad. He wasn't around much growing up and when I went and saw him, he tried to secretly make it up. Always in gifts! Was I his little girl anymore? They then had three children. It was really difficult for me to see how close his relationship was with them. He spoiled them rotten. They sat on his lap. I don't ever remember sitting on my fathers lap. They had swim, music, and every other lesson you could imagine. I never had any! My mom barely survived. Money paid the bills and put food on the table. Did he feel guilty for the time he didn't spend with me? The time he never got to know me? He never knew my grades or who my friends were or what I'd like to do. The more I write, the more upset I get. Why did my dad not want to get to know me? Why didn't he want to take the time to find out?

I love my dad very much. I know he has worked very hard to achieve what he has, but why do I feel the way I do? I think back now, and there was this one time that I wanted my dad to come rescue me. Yes, rescue me from my step-dad. My step-dad was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. I tried to tell my dad that I wanted to go with him when he moved back east. My step-dad made me call him and tell him I didn't want to go. Why didn't my dad try to find out more? He said okay, like he was relieved that I wasn't going. It really hurt me. Maybe that was when I felt very hurt, alone, and separated from my dad.

My heart still hurts. I love my dad, but I feel so disconnected. How do I regain the feeling of being a part of the family? I know it takes time and forgiveness. I now, have full grown kids and want them to know how important family is to the soul. They don't realize my grief, because I think I over compensated for my loss. The loss of not having a parent there. I divorced my kids dad after 14-years of marriage, but we both were active parents. If they wanted more time there, it was okay. I was never disapproved.