How Parents Can Ease Children's Psychological Burdens from Divorce

Children of divorce will always be negatively impacted by it, of course. But there are some things that parents can do to make the process a little less difficult for their offspring during and after a splitting of the ways.

First and foremost, no matter what age your children might be, let them know that both mommy and daddy still love them no matter what else is happening. Their world is shattering right along with their parents' and they need to know that certain important elements are not going to change or otherwise get lost in the shuffle. They need to know that their parents' love is still there for them despite the emotional storm that is divorce. Even teenagers need this sort of reassurance, since their raging hormones and heavier homework loads are making life more stressful for them in many other ways already.

Also let your children know that they are not the cause of the divorce. Children will most likely be feeling a certain amount of guilt that appears to be a fairly natural reaction for them under these circumstances. Do what you can to reassure them and help ease this particular emotional burden. These young lives need to be told that they are worthy of love despite what their parents are going through and that the pain involved is not because of anything they've done. Re-emphasize that they are still the center of mother and father's universe, despite the other confusions and hard feelings that can arise from this situation.

Seeking counseling for your children and for yourself is another step that can be taken to help ease the transition from a double caregiver household to a single home with visitations and all the emotional turmoil that goes with so many changes. I can not emphasize this particular option enough. I know it helped my own children during my divorce to make regular visits to our therapists. Life can become incredibly chaotic, not to mention stormy and uncertain, under the best of circumstances. Divorce turns things so upside down and inside out that a dose of external guidance is a must for helping to navigate such treacherous waters. Regular visits to a quieter, often more reasonable place with adults who are calm as well as caring, offers a wonderful refuge. It is also a great place to allow yourself to vent about your circumstances and children need this outlet just as much as any adult. Counseling offers a variety of ways to help each party deal with the ongoing drama.

When possible, both parties should agree to a visitation schedule and encourage the children to contact the absent parent, except in the cases of abuse. And during each visit, both parents should put on a 'happy' face around each other, despite whatever negative feelings may boil below the surface. Angry exchanges between parents only serve to make children feel that much guiltier and uncertain about where they stand within the new family order. Each parent may vent to their hearts' content with friends, family or counselors and do so away from tender young ears. Your children do not need to bear witness to how ugly things can get between their parents.

A phenomenon that I have not found addressed nearly so often is that children of divorce often lose an entire neighborhood of friends along with losing the full-time presence of one of their parents. Due to financial changes, the newly single parent most likely will need to move to a less expensive home, often a fair commute from their original neighborhood. This in some ways can be just as devastating, if not sometimes more, than the split of their parents that causes the move. Childhood friendships are some of our dearest memories as well as being strong influences in our overall development. And when those connections are severed a child may feel additionally lost above and beyond what they may be feeling over their parents' new status. Not only have they had to let go of the regular presence of an adult who is important to them, but they often lose touch with their peer group, members of whom they care about and have made important connections. No matter how young, social interactions are important and an otherwise outgoing child may suddenly change to introvert or become more negative or even combative if so much of what they've known is taken away in such a large helping.

A therapist or your local school may be able to provide information on support groups available in your area which your children may attend. This will not only help them make new friends but allow them to socialize with others who understand what it's like to deal with the same or at least similar situation. If possible, try to help your child maintain previous relationships by visiting the previous neighborhood or continue to allow them to attend day care or playgroups from before the divorce. If nothing else, do what you can to help them forge new friendships. And continue to reassure them that they are loved. Their social as well as emotional development may depend on it.