How Parents Can Make Their Child's Punishment Fit the "Crime"

Kids and manners… It's a terrifying thought for any parent or step-parent. How do you stop from becoming one of "those parents" with a screaming child in the grocery store candy aisle, feeling the glare of all the other adults around you as your child's voice gets higher and louder.

Every parent, even those with normally well-behaved children, wipes their brow at some point and thanks the powers-that-be that they managed to escape unscathed. Let's face it, kids are by nature selfish creatures. They have to be. They are too small to survive on their own and have to rely on parental instinct to supply their needs and wants. It's up to the parent to separate the needs from the wants. For example, children NEED to have healthy meals and snacks. They WANT to have the Chockfullosugar brand chocolate bar. They NEED to have a full night of rest. They WANT to stay up and watch the 2 am creature feature.

Teaching a child manners can give us a good balance for those needs and wants. It teaches the kids to be respectful of the provided needs and allows parents the opportunity to give in to those wants every so often. (Especially wants that both parent and child can enjoy.)

Right now, we have 11 people living in one house due to an unexpected family emergency. There are 8 kids to 3 parents. We, as adults, are vastly outnumbered. Last night, 2 hours after sending the children to bed, we heard a thunk coming from one of the bedrooms upstairs and I leapt from my chair to go bounding to the stairs only to be greeted by a small, begowned figure standing at the top of the stairs.

"Emily," came the urgent whisper of a child hoping to forestall an explosion. "Emily, Emily… The reason you heard a noise was because Bea* and Samantha* kicked me out of bed."

Marching into the bedroom I flipped on the light to find three other pairs of eyes staring at me widely. I demanded an answer from the two oldest as to what happened.

"Well," Samantha said boldly. "Kelly* was bothering us, so we nudged her out of bed."

"Nudged?" I said archly. "And what did you nudge her with?"

"Our feet," came the now timid answer.

It took all my power not to laugh or show anything but righteous anger. "And what do we call that?" I demanded.

"Kicking," came the even softer response.

Places were switched, the oldest who had done the kicking took the place of the youngest who were on the air mattresses, warnings were issued, the light was flipped off and the door shut. Tonight, though they don't know it yet, the lesson in sharing a room will continue.

It is difficult being a parent, having to become the "uncool" mean person in an effort to raise upstanding citizens. I know that my punishment, right now, will be viewed as "unfair", though they may appreciate it in the future. And there is nothing more exasperating than a sullen preteen convinced that you are trying to ruin her life.

Unless it is a six-year-old that doesn't know when to stop lying. Six-year-olds are amazingly creative and imaginative. If you ask for an answer they can give you the whole story, complete with background, on why such a thing must be so. And none of it will be the truth.

Which led to the creation of a "truth jar". You take a large, empty container (we used a plastic tub that formerly held well over 2 gallons of salad dressing) and rocks. The goal is to fill up the large container with the rocks so you can do something special. At the end of the night, you discuss the events of the day and drop a rock in the truth jar if the events were true. However, if anyone is caught telling a lie, you remove a rock for each lie told. The tangible and visual effect is very powerful, especially when the rocks are removed.

Explanations of why you punish them also help. Rather than a swift smack on the rear that can leave a child confused and crying, you take a deep breath, count to ten, and tell them calmly what they did wrong and explain what the punishment is and why. It takes creativity and nerves of steel to issue appropriate punishments and deal with the cries of "I hate you!" and "You are so mean!"

Appropriate punishments also depend on your knowledge of the children involved. A bookworm may enjoy being shut up in her room but may be absolutely horrified when her sibling gets to go to a bookstore while the punished stays home. An active child may enjoy running laps around the yard, but will chafe at having to sit and write an essay on why bullying and name-calling is wrong.

The punishments should never be overly extreme but should be age-level appropriate. A six-year-old may not completely comprehend why you don't do certain things the way a 12-year-old will and the punishments should be different. Therefore, when a six-year-old calls someone who is slightly overweight "Fat", you explain to them the inappropriateness of that comment and let it go. When the 12 year old does it, however, you have them sit down and write an essay on why name-calling hurts.

The truly hard part is not letting your own fear and temper get hold of you. When your three year old runs towards the road, the initial instinct is to scream at them, smack their bottom and send them to the safety of their room for the rest of the day while you pour yourself a heavy drink from seeing their life run before your eyes. The three year old doesn't understand what the problem is and is left upset and confused. You need to subsume your own feelings when it comes to punishment and not let guilt or fear cause you to make the punishment too light or too harsh.

You can be secure in the knowledge that, eventually, your children will grow up to be outstanding contributors to society. And these same small voices who tell you that, when they grow up, they won't make their kids do this stuff, will soon look in the mirror and gasp softly: "I've turned into my parents". And that will be the most satisfying lesson of all.

*Names changed to protect the (not-so) innocent