How to Pay Bills for the Fiscal Illiterate

I realize that everyone has bills to pay, and most folks have some sort of clever system for keeping track of who they owe money to and when to pay them.

For example, some folks use the "pay it when it comes" method. The instant a bill arrives in the mail, they open the bill, tear off the stub, inset the stub in the return envelope along with a check for the exact amount due, put a stamp on the envelope hand it back to the postal carrier before he has an opportunity to pull away from the curb.

Others rely on a rather elaborate method called the "file" method. Often times entire file cabinets are dedicated to the payment of bills. This system generally incorporates some color-coding of folders - red ALWAYS indicating past due bills. Folders are also usually segregated by category - month, utility vendor, "household bills" versus "medical bills" etc. The challenge with this system is that if one spent as much time actually paying bills as they would to implement a file system, they would eliminate the need for a file system. The truth is, the file system is nothing more than a way to avoid paying bills while still looking like you care about it. My advice, chuck the files and go golfing.

A fairly new method of bill payment is the "online bill pay" method. This requires that you spend about three months of your life entering all of the addresses and account numbers of everyone you will ever need to pay anything to into your computer. Then, when a bill arrives, you go online, log into your bank account, type in the amount due next to the vendor and the date you want the bill paid. Then you can insert the bill into the stylish paper shredder you received from the bank when you opened the account.

The bank will take care of getting the payment to the vendor and you never have to think about it again. Plus, there is absolutely no paper trail to clutter up the house! Of course, since the bank is busy paying all your bills for you, you now don't have a clue as to how much money you have or if you even have enough money to pay the bill. But, that's OK, because the bank will gladly pay it anyway and only charge you the low, low price of $27.95 for each item they overspend for you. Isn't that nice of them?

When it comes to paying bills, my personal method is the "pile" method. I use this method mainly because I'm lazy and hate paying bills. Now, here is how the pile method works: first, I open he mailbox, take out the stack of the day's bills, carry it to the kitchen table and add it to the stack of other bills, papers, advertising circulars, postcards, direct mail and greeting cards collected from the previous day. Depending on the volume of mail received in any given week, the "pile" begins to spread across the kitchen table, making it virtually impossible to eat a meal at the table. At this point, my wife will take the pile and shove it in a grocery sack. The sack is then placed next to my bed alongside several other similar sacks. To date, I have approximately twelve acres of South American rainforest in paper piled next to my bed.

"So how do the bills get paid?" you ask. Ah-ha! The genius of the "pile method" is that it forces those folks who REALLY want their money to call you, which is nice. "Hello?" "Mr. Graham, this is ABC Company, you owe us money and we want it now." "OK. How much do I owe you?" "Eighteen gazillion." "Wonderful. Can you take a check over the phone? Super." Now the bill is paid and it required minimal effort on my part.

Some people you owe money to will hire other people to call you, which shows they REALLY, REALLY want their money. These folks are not quite as friendly, but are very happy when you agree to pay them. Other people will go so far as to set up an automatic payment plan FOR you - usually called a "garnishment". For this service, you have minimal involvement. They will usually have an attorney call your employer and set that up, which is nice, because then you really don't have to do anything at all and the money comes right out of your paycheck. Isn't that convenient?

In short, when it comes to paying bills with the pile method, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. It may cost you a bit more in terms of penalties, interest, credit score, social status and pride, but think of all the time you saved and extra hours you had to dedicate to Seinfeld reruns and MTV.