How to Be the Perfect Husband

Recently I read a well-written article published in Associated Content, which described in detail 'How To Be A Perfect Wife'. This article suggested many positive things a wife could do to please her husband and her family and in so doing, be a 'Perfect Wife'.

Reading this article inspired me after many years of marriage to offer my experience to help develop an equivalent list of attributes for the 'Perfect Husband'. After discussion with my wife of too many years to count she agreed that a review of my domestic habits and savoir-faire regarding marriage and relationships would provide a helpful standard against which the 'Perfect Husband' might be measured.

As an example, my wife pointed out that in the early years of our marriage I came to bed wearing designer pajamas, but today I stumble in wearing a wrinkled Tee shirt and faded boxer shorts.

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

...And she noted that on the night of our first anniversary I surprised her with a diamond pin and dinner at Attonelle's, while this year I suggested we share a joint gift by buying a replacement washing machine at Sears, followed by 'Big Macs' at our neighborhood Mickey D's.

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

During the first year of marriage we enjoyed playing a game of 'chase me, chase me' in which my new bride would dress in a cute nightgown and I would try to catch her, but today we play 'find me, find me' while I hide in the garage knowing she wants the attic cleaned out.

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

...And when our first child was born we would actually fight over who got the privilege to get up at night to give the 2:00 AM feeding and/or change the poopie diaper, but with the birth of our third child I seem to sleep right through that happy event.

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

...And when in response to our ten-year-old son's question of 'how do doctors know if a baby is a girl or a boy?'.... I, red-faced and without hesitation said, that girls are born with pink ribbons in their hair.....

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

...Or for example, in the middle of the climatic, cliff-hanging episode of Grey's Anatomy I used the remote once too often to see if the NLF Football game has started yet.

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

...And when after nursing the four of us through a seven-day bout with the flu, my wife finally takes to bed with a temperature of 101, it is probably not a good thing when I ask 'what's for dinner?'

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

...And while attending a meeting with twelve year old Brian's teacher to discuss what we should do about a random search of lockers during which a copy of Playboy was found n his locker...I probably shouldn't have commented to my wife, "I wondered what happened to that..."

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

...And when my wife asks me would my honest opinion as to whether she has lost her good figure and I reply, "Well, in all fairness you've had three children...."

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

...And when I shuffle down to the mailbox with my bare legs sticking out from beneath a bathrobe and cheerfully wave to the snobby next-door neighbor on her way to tea at the Women's Club...

A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that.

By now you should see that my wife is exactly right. I truly do provide a standard by which A Perfect Husband might be measured. However, just to be sure I reviewed the above list with my long-suffering wife and after briefly scanning the items she reminded me that I had omitted the best example of all....the one which involved her mother and my mother-in-law.

Years ago she had come to visit for a few during the Christmas Holidays. The first night in our home she talked endlessly about how interested she had become in the Women's Movement and the struggle for women's equality. I had no problem with that, but four hours on the subject was tiresome. The next morning as she joined my wife and I on a shopping trip and as we made our way to the Mall entrance, I rushed slightly ahead and help the door open for my mother-in law. As she approached the entrance in a very loud voice she snapped at me,

"Don't You Dare Hold The Door For Me Just Because I Am A Woman!"

To which I replied:..."I Didn't Hold It For You Because You Are A Woman...I Held It Because You Are Old!"

Thinking back on that day.... A "Perfect Husband" probably wouldn't do that either............