How to Pick Up the Astronaut of Your Dreams

Astronauts tend to be a very tightly knit group. If there is one that you are interested in dating, you're going to have to break into their inner circle. This isn't always easy. You are going to have to find out what you have in common. The easiest way to begin is with your own education.

You are going to have to apply for college or university somewhere. Astronauts generally don't like to date stupid people. This isn't to say that if you aren't the brightest they won't be interested in you. They still may be. Especially if you are a stripper. Astronauts love strippers. I also don't mean to imply that strippers aren't intelligent. We all know that most strippers are only dancing to work their way through college. So actually, if you are a stripper in that situation, you could be on the right track.

The unfortunate thing is that if you are a stripper who isn't working to pay for college or if you are stupid, an astronaut may still date you but they will never take you for a ride on the shuttle. Let's be honest, that's the main reason most people are interested in dating an astronaut. Also, if you are stupid, an astronaut will never take you out with their friends because you are an embarrassment but your parents have probably already shared that one with you.

So, the first thing to do is get an education. Preferably you want to major in something like biomechanics or astrophysics. Whatever you do, do not study anything that involves animals. Astronauts hate animals. Some of them keep pets as a cover but they secretly hope those animals run away from home. Trust me, astronauts hate animals. They especially hate monkeys. If you work with or plan on studying monkeys as part of your education, you might as well give up your dreams of dating an astronaut right now.

Astronauts hate monkeys because a monkey was given the opportunity to fly into outer space long before they sent up a person. Astronauts have never gotten over that. To make matters worse, the monkey did an incredible job. Astronauts have never been able to duplicate the monkey's success. This really steams astronauts. So whatever you do, don't get involved with monkeys. If you absolutely can't get monkeys out of your life but still want to date an astronaut, keep that information to yourself until much later in the relationship. The first time you introduce your monkey to your astronaut it's going to be messy. You better hope the relationship is solid.

After you have gotten to the point where you are no longer stupid and you have abandoned all the animals in your life, it's time to hook your astronaut. There is no better place to get to your astronaut than going straight to NASA. Keep in mind that anybody can apply to work for NASA. NASA is not a government entity, it is a private company. You can send them your resume just like any other job application but here is where it gets tricky. NASA likes to see that you volunteered helping animals as long as they were not your own. Remember the monkey? That was their idea. However, NASA frowns on any work done with children. They don't like children. That's why you never see any kids on a shuttle mission. Most NASA officials had terrible childhoods and they hate birthday cake.

Once you're in with NASA, you're almost there. There are just a few more things to note in order for you to hook up with the astronaut of your dreams. First of all, if you are already married, forget about it. There's no point in starting an affair with your astronaut because you will never be able to lie about where you are. You're going to tell your spouse that you're just going to be hanging out with a couple friends, but everyone is going to know that you're on the shuttle. Also, it is very difficult to sneak away on the shuttle without people noticing. So dating an astronaut should only be done if you are single.

Finally, after everything you've done, if you find out the astronaut of your dreams is already dating somebody else, let it go. Sure you've done a lot of work to get to this point but trust me, let the astronaut's current relationship run its course. It won't last. Astronauts don't stay in long term commitments. They are social misfits. As a result of their training they are dizzy all the time and constantly throwing up. Nobody likes to be around that for too long.

Whatever you do, if you find out the astronaut is dating somebody else, do not plan on chasing down and attacking that person while wearing a diaper. When the astronaut finds out they will never want to have anything to do with you. They will be furious that you didn't do that to them. Astronauts love diaper fantasy scenarios.

Well, that's everything you need to know about dating an astronaut. Best of luck and keep reaching for the stars.