How to Pick Up the Serial Killer of Your Dreams

Serial killers are a unique breed. There are generally two types. The kinds that are locked away in prison and the kinds that are not. You are going to want to try and hook up with a serial killer who is not in prison. The reason for this is competition. If you were to try and snag a serial killer who is already in prison, then you have to compete with all the other whack jobs who are trying to hook up with that serial killer. I'm not saying you're a whack job. I'm saying all those other people are whack jobs. You are a perfectly normal, well adjusted individual who wants to date a serial killer.

The other whack jobs are all going to be writing letters to the prison about how they want to marry the imprisoned serial killer. They will be writing stories about how they want to run away to cotton candy land on a goat made of marble and fudge. You don't want to have to compete with that. Besides, what if you do manage to find a goat like that and the serial killer turns out to be allergic to fudge? Then you look like an idiot. You should also realize that once the serial killer has been captured and imprisoned, they have nothing to lose. So imagine you do get a moment alone together. It's hard to say I love you when somebody keeps trying to strangle you.

So you've decided to only date serial killers that are walking the streets. Where do you begin? Music stores and french fry trucks. Music stores are an obvious choice. Most serial killers get their inspiration from songs that they listen to. Historically, after being caught, many serial killers have noted famous heavy metal tunes as their rationale for killing sprees. However, that's only because they have been caught. The truth is that heavy metal music has very little to do with their motivation. Most serial killers are driven to mass murder as a result of listening to Barry Manilow. They can't say that when they're on their way to prison because if the other inmates hear about that, they'll rip the serial killer apart. This is because the serial killer looks weak and people in prison love Barry Manilow but will never admit it. Regardless, listening to Barry Manilow makes serial killers very angry.

French fry trucks are another obvious choice. Everybody knows that serial killers love french fries. The first fast food restaurant employee to ever ask a customer "would you like french fries with that?" was a serial killer. The restaurant didn't know it at the time. But when that customer answered no, she sure found out in a hurry. Took them a week to clean off that cash register. You can always spot the serial killers at the french fry truck. They are the ones using vinegar. Historically, vinegar has been used to clean no-wax floors and for polishing brass. Only a psychopathic serial killer is going to eat something covered in vinegar. Finally, they feel a strong connection to the french fry truck operator. This is somebody who enjoys working alone and is also killing a large number of people even though french fries kill at a much slower rate. The connection is still strong.

Now that you know where to find the serial killers, it is important to know how to approach them. Most serial killers are very approachable when they are not working. Unfortunately, sometimes it can be difficult to tell. Look to see if they are carrying something. This is usually a good indication that they are working. Specifically, look to see if they are holding something like a knife, a long piece of rope or somebody else's foot. This is the serial killer's way of saying "you'll have to try back with me later."

Once you've established a rapport, pick a fun place for your first date. Usually a bowling alley or a mini golf course is a good selection. Do your best to stay away from playgrounds, parking lots and heavily wooded areas. Despite what you've heard, most serial killers do not enjoy mixing business with pleasure.

Have fun and play safe!