How I Plan to Make a Million Dollars in 2011

Well as we ring in the New Year, I have a new goal; to make a million dollars (after taxes of course because if it was before taxes, I would only end up with about 100 bucks). I have a few ideas:

1. Cult leader- I have always wanted to be a cult leader. Let's face it; they get their follows top give up all of their belongings to you, in most cases they even give up the women to you! Cult leaders get all the chicks and all the money. However, they are usually from India or are some type of hippy looking dude, and that's not me. Not many people would follow a fat, hairy, French guy from Rhode Island. Unless -----

2. Cult Leader in India- We always seem to follow cult leaders from India believing they have some type of deep spiritual meaning. So I could convince them that Rhode Island is the Spiritual Mecca of North America! That the TV show Family Guy is not meant to be funny but is actually about religion in Rhode Island. That might work; however, the majority of the people are still somewhat poor, I would have to establish myself in China to make any serious money and everyone there knew Bruce Lee and they could kick my ass.

3. Fallen from Grace Political Leader- I could pick up a small political office, have an affair with a prostitute, kill an intern, then after everything is exposed, go on Oprah, cry and beg for forgiveness. After that happens; sign a multimillion dollar book deal and get a talk show on CNN. That could work, but man my wife and kids would be pissed! (I also think this is so 2008).

4. Fight the TSA- Instead of doing like the Ruby Ridge incident where a messed up family fought off the ATF and then sued the US government. I will fight the TSA. I will go through airport screening and make a huge scene, start crying and hitting myself. When I get arrested, I will disclose that I was molested as a child by some religious leader (maybe a cult leader, see number 1) and that the TSA and the US government made these repressed memories come forward. I could no longer work or be a member of society due to these memories and therefore have to sue the government for lost wages.

5. Buy ocean front Property in the Arctic- With all of the talk about global warming, we should be able to get some good ocean front property in the arctic. I should be able to buy all of this up with this cold winter we are having then sell it to everyone at a very high price once global warming occurs. Why hasn't anyone else thought of this?

Well I guess my ideas aren't too good. My wife would be really made if I became a cult leader or any of the other ideas I have. I guess I'll just have to go back to work on Monday and pray for the lottery.