How to Play the Dating Game

The first game I ever owned was "Candy Land", followed closely by "Shoots and Ladders." My favorite game of all is "Monopoly", mostly because I rule at it. We all like to play games. As children, we play hopscotch and jump rope and hide and seek. We become teenagers and discover the fascinating world of electronic gaming, and when we get a little older we find bar games like pool and darts.

But the most important game we play in life requires no board, no dice, no game controllers. It is, in fact, a game that seems to have no set rules (or maybe the rules change all the time) but that everyone plays. It is the game that you've heard people talk about so much - the one that you, apparently, must play in order to get yourself a mate.

No matter how you approach this, you're going to have to play at some point. Why? Who knows. Somewhere along the line, we humans have learned to complicate the dating process so much that now no one can find that special someone. Animals in the wild meet up, pair up, mate up, and raise offspring. People act coy, throw out lines, hide things, tell lies, skulk around, and try at every single moment to stay totally in control of what's going on in any relationship. Whether we admit it or not, whether we realize it or not, what we all really want is control.

When you're in control, you get to call the shots. Everyone wants to be the one calling the shots. As if this will somehow protect us from the eventual heartbreak and pain and binge-eating that could easily result from a bad break-up, everyone thinks that if they are in control they will be somehow safer. And since everyone has some issue or baggage that they're inevitably carrying around, and no one has been able to get through today's dating world while remaining game-free, we are all now players in this great, grand scheme that is the game.

Rule number one is accessibility. If they can get to you easily, if you agree too readily, and if you are always there for them every single second near the beginning of the dating process, you're already doomed. Have a life, be busy, don't agree to the date right away and don't answer every single phone call. Don't return every single phone call the same day. First things first, you have to show them that your life is already full - you are just making room for them and that could change at any moment.

Do not be too accessible - this is one of the biggest turn-offs there are. Calling once a day goes hand-in-hand with this, and the only thing to say about it is don't do it. It is smothering and annoying to both sexes. If you make a call that goes unreturned, wait a few days and make another. One unreturned call isn't so bad, but when the tally gets 'round to two you're done. Do not call anymore. Accessibility.

Next up - the past. Don't bring it up, don't ask questions about it, don't talk about it for at least one month into the relationship. There's no need to go dredging up the painful memories of love's past, especially when you're trying to get into something new. Trust me, you don't really need to know and it isn't all that important anyway. Leave the past out of it until things get serious enough to warrant such a discussion - but remember your boundaries. Most things do not matter.

Never ask a question that you, yourself, do not want to answer. Never ask a question that you, yourself, don't really want to hear an answer to. If the worst possible answer that you can think up in your head is one that is so atrocious it will end the relationship, do yourself a favor and don't ask that question. Do not ask someone if they love you - especially within the first six weeks.

Use jealousy only as a last and desperate resort. Jealousy isn't a good reaction from someone, though many people use it as a weapon quite regularly. Only in the most extreme situations should you use jealousy, and usually the best and only time you will want to use jealousy is when you are trying to start a new relationship with someone. Almost the only time jealousy will actually benefit you (and there is always that risk of having it totally backfire on you) is when you are trying to make someone realize what they're missing by passing you by. Use it as a jolt to them, but don't overdo. Flirt with strangers, show up with a friend of yours who just happens to be of the opposite sex and act friendly with them (without overdoing it), or let it be casually known that you are dating people.

This is an integral part of the game, and very hard to master. If they do not respond to your attempts at jealousy, stop and move on to a different person. If you show up with a member of the opposite sex on your arm and the object of your desire sees this and does not respond by making some relationship-geared overture to you then they simply do not want to be with you. Jealousy in small doses is all you should attempt. People who are mad with jealousy are capable of really scary stuff, so don't push it too far.

Look good and be happy around them. Let them see you out, let them see you with friends, let them see you looking great. Do not hang on them or devote all your attention to them. Remember, no matter how much you like them you want them to like you back and no one likes someone who is always underfoot and always watching them or looking at them. Have plenty of other interests and don't change your life or your plans around to accommodate them.

At least at the beginning, be a little hard to get. The quickest way to make someone run away from you is to let them know how much you like them - at least in the beginning. You chase, they run. You run, they chase. …For the most part. You have to show some interest, of course, but don't let them know how much you want them.

The moment you let them know they have any amount of control over you whatsoever, the relationship is completely over.

And this, in a nutshell, is the game. Play it well.