How to Play Dead

First of all, let me first say that this is not a guide about the grateful dead. Therefore, please reframe from getting the two mixed up. This guide is about playing dead. Why do you need to know about playing dead, you ask. Isn't the grateful dead a more important topic? No. In the event that someone walks into your classroom and starts going a bit over the edge, you will need to know how to play dead. Playing dead is not a game. Doing so could save your life.

First, remain calm. In the event that you are caught off guard and you see that you are in a life or death situation, you must not panic. Take deep unnoticeable breaths. When the shooting begins, do not scream. Just get ready to fall down with everybody else who may really be dying. The next steps are as follows.

Die
When the killer has shot somewhere in your vicinity (hopefully not too close) abruptly, like a lifeless body, drop to the floor and "die." Remain on the floor motionless in one of three positions.

Positions # 1: the fetal position
Lie on your side as if you are sleeping in bed. Try not to put your legs in a position that seems too "lifelike". Cover your face with your arm and either close or open your eyes. Do not blink and try to hold your breath for as long as you can.

Position # 2: the on-your-stomach position
Fall down on your stomach in an area of the room that is not too visible. Otherwise, the shooter may see your unmarked back as an open target. If you have long hair, try to make sure it looks a mess as you fall to the floor. Hold your breath for as long as you can. Leave one of your hands or legs in an awkward "just killed" position.

Position # 3: Flat on your Back
Fall on your back and cock your head or neck in an awkward position. Try to hide your face with some blood or look to the side if you can. Hold your breath. If you have to breathe, make sure that your chest does not rise and fall. Try to use your arm to cover the "wound" by placing it over your stomach or chest.

Most importantly, don't forget that you have to breathe at some point. If you find that after playing dead you cannot breathe, you may already be dead.

In a situation where you have to choose whether you would like to be dead or alive, these tips should greatly improve your circumstances. Remember, this is not a guide about the grateful dead. Rather, it is a guide about how to play dead. Dead or alive, you choose.