How to Prepare a Visit to a Loved One in a Nursing Home

The first time that I visited my mother in her nursing home, I was completely unprepared. I assumed that the experience would be similar to visiting her in the hospital.

But when I walked into the nursing home, I immediately felt the difference. The odor first caught my attention, an odd, unpleasant smell of medicated soaps, food cooking, and stale air. Then I noticed the number of people grouped in the living room, staring straight ahead at a television screen. They did not talk to each other. They focused only on the TV, as though mesmerized. They were mostly elderly, although there were a few middle-aged men sitting together at a card table, playing bridge.

I walked down the halls to my mother's room. She sat by the bed, dressed as though she was in her own home but sitting aimlessly with her hands in her lap.

"How are you doing, Mom?" I asked, hugging her. She shook her head sadly.

"I hate it here," she said. "There's nothing to do, nowhere to go. And these people just seem to live here. I want to go home."

Even though my mother's doctor had cautioned me that she might have problems adjusting to the fact that her stay in the nursing home would be long-term (my mother has Alzheimers, a progressive disease that has become worse, not better, as it takes its toll on her), I was not prepared for the depth of her insistence on going home.

"When you leave, take me with you," she told me over and over again. Despite my best intentions, I found tears coming into my eyes, and I finally left, feeling as if my presence was only upsetting her. I walked out crying, hearing her call after me, "Wait! Take me with you!"

Since that first sad visit, I have learned to prepare myself before:

1. I always take small gifts, items that she likes, such as sugar-free hard candies (which her doctor allows), large print, easy to read books, and pads of paper with colored pens (she loves to draw flowers and the action relaxes her). These gifts please her, distract her, and give us something to talk about.

2. I plan a topic to tell her about to amuse her, such as her cat's latest antics (I take care of her now-elderly cat), the cute sayings of my eight-year-old neighbor, or a book that I am reading.

3. I go to the library and check out a romantic comedy DVD that she's already seen, such as a Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn favorite. Then just before I leave, I start the DVD playing. She loves to watch these, and she's always content to let me go so that she can have her "movie afternoon."

4. I always plan to get together with a friend after my visit, so that I have something to look forward to and someone to talk with about the experience.

Remember: taking care of yourself helps you take care of the ones you love!