How to Properly Communicate with Your Spouse and Family

This article is two exercises to help your communication skills with a parent, spouse, sibling - the possibilities are endless. Many people have a hard time portraying their feeling especially to someone who is thought to be superior, these exercises should help.

Part 1. Using XYZ statements to deliver praise

Identify TWO instances (in your own life) in which you would like to praise someone who is close to you. You may choose to praise someone for an accomplishment, for being a good friend/roommate/partner, etc. Use an XYZ statement to praise this person. Answer ALL of the following questions for EACH of the two instances:

v Who did you praise?

v When did this occur?

v What was the context of the conversation?

v What exactly did you say?

v What was the other person's reaction?

v How did you feel?

v How did it change your interaction/relationship?

v What could you have done differently as the speaker?

Example 1: My roommate. It occurred earlier this semester and we were speaking about buying groceries. I told him I appreciated him buying the cleaning detergent the past two times. He was surprised but, appreciated it. I was happy to let him know how I felt. It helped the relationship momentarily. Next time I i believe I'll be more specific.

Example 2: My brother. It was about 2 months ago. We were speaking about classes. I told him I was happy and proud of how well he was doing in school. He was shocked that I actually talked to him about stuff like that. It made us a closer and were able to talk more openly about stuff like school.

Part 2. Using XYZ statements to express negative feelings

Identify TWO instances (in your own life) in which you would like to express some slight negative feelings towards someone who is close to you. Use an XYZ statement to express these negative feelings. Do not pick a situation in which you are intoxicated and/or there is not safety in the relationship. Select a situation in which you are slightly frustrated or disappointed, and avoid very serious scenarios. Answer ALL of the following questions for EACH of the two instances:

v Who did you express negative feelings towards?

v When did this occur?

v What was the context of the conversation?

v What exactly did you say?

v What was the other person's reaction?

v How did you feel?

v How did it change your interaction/relationship?

v What could you have done differently as the speaker?

Example 1: My mother. It occurred while I was in high school. I told her I hated her always giving me so many rules to abide by. She got upset and started yelling. I felt bad but, relieved for expressing myself. It made it hard to communicate. I could have communicated better and more specifically.

Example 2: My friend. It happened last semester. I screamed at him for losing my phone. He got real mad and said it was an accident. I was still upset because I didn't have a phone. Next time I would be a lot more specific.

In my cases I used very simple examples in order to show the ease of these exercises. You don't have to be the best writer in the world, nor do you have to be a outgoing person in order to express your feelings. Try to write it out first to see if your encompassing the entire problem, if not try to write it out again! Eventually you will know what to say and in which context to say it. Hope this helps!