How to Propose

In January of 2009, I proposed to my girlfriend. Like a lot of things in life, you learn a lot by doing. Everything managed to work out perfectly for me, but of course there are a few things I would do differently. Here are some basic tips to keep in mind when you are going to propose.

Make it Special for Her

When my girlfriend and I first moved to North Vancouver, BC, we spent one of the days down by the water at the Lonsdale Quay. They have a tower there that you can climb to look out over the city of Vancouver. We went up, but once I was there I felt dizzy and we had to come down. Ever since then, my girlfriend had been making fun of me, trying to get me to go back up. So I decided that I would take her back to the look out point, but this time I would propose.

It is a good idea to make the place that you are going to propose a special place. It might have some past meaning for you, or a place that you have always talked about going. It does not have to be an out of town location, and it does not have to be a stunning location. Find a place where she will feel loved and treasured, and take her there. The point is that you want her to recognize that you've thought about it ahead of time. The actual location matters less than the effort that you put into choosing one.

There may be some places that would not be the best chose for a proposal. For example, do not propose in the kitchen as she cooks you dinner. Do not propose somewhere that you think is cool, but that she doesn't. Do not propose while watching television, or in reaction to an argument that you're having. The proposal should be part of a larger plan that involves making her feel loved and comfortable.

Make it Private

We've all seen the proposal at the baseball game, in front of 30,000 other people. How about the classic restaurant proposal from the movies? For some people that might be a good way of proposing, but for the majority of us, we want to get engaged in private. When I proposed to my girlfriend, I did it in a public space, but I did it at night when there would be less people around. In addition, we were four stories above everything else, and it happened to be a foggy night, giving us even more privacy.

A private engagement is good for a number of reasons. First, it reduces the chance of exterior influences affecting the engagement. For example, if you are planning on proposing at a restaurant, what do you do if the waiter ignores you for half an hour, and then treats your girlfriend rudely? Or, what if an old ex-girlfriend happens to walk in a few minutes before you are planning on giving her the ring? Proposing alone means that you will only remember the most important part of the proposition - each other.

Another reason for a private engagement is that it offers all the benefits that go with privacy. Nobody else will know if you botch a few words here and there, or if you cry like a baby while you're proposing (I did). Also, just in case something comes up and you cannot propose, or if she says no, you are not left hanging with thousands of people watching. You really don't want to be this guy.

Make it a Surprise

You want your engagement to surprise your future fiancé. However, you really don't want her to be so surprised that she hadn't even considered the possibility before. Talk about the potential of engagement and marriage before you propose. I cannot stress that enough. You need to know that she is willing to get married to you before you attempt to propose. Otherwise you are placing an unfair amount of stress upon your girlfriend who does not have the time or resources to think through the decision in a few seconds.

However, you do want her to be surprised by when and how you are going to propose to her. Why? Surprising her will require time, energy, effort, and planning, so by surprising her you are showing her that she is worth your time, energy, and effort. She will feel treasured and loved because you went through the process of making sure that the engagement was special and a surprise.

My proposal surprised my girlfriend. She and I had talked about getting engaged and even had started talking about when we wanted to get married. We were running out of time before the summer, so the sooner we could get engaged, the better. It got to the point where she was so paranoid about everything that I was doing, because she was expecting the engagement. So in order to surprise her, I told her that I would be taking her out every night for two weeks to do something. Sometimes it was dinner, desert and a walk, or something similar. So she never knew which day I was going to propose, but she at least knew it was coming. If you want to surprise your girlfriend, you are going to need to be prepared.

Be Prepared

In order to be prepared to propose, consider where you are going to propose, when you are going to propose, and how you are going to propose. Find a place to propose by choosing a place that is special. Once you have an option or two, go to the actual location ahead of time and work out the logistics. If you want to get engaged on the beach, for example, recognize that you might have to do it when it is warm (during the day?), when it is not too windy, when the tide is down (or up), that you're going to have to wear sandals or get sand in your shoes, etc. If you want to get engaged at a park by moonlight, find out when the park closes, if the gates are going to be locked, if you're going to get trapped inside, if you can work out a deal with the security there, etc. There are literally thousands of variables to consider, so work through as many of them as you can ahead of time. This will take time, and this will take effort, but remember that she is worth it, and she will recognize the effort.

You cannot control everything. Sometimes things will go wrong, and you have to be prepared. Have a backup plan just in case something goes wrong. In my case, one variable that I could not control would be the security guard locking the gate going to the lookout. I had some friends helping me out, setting candles and flowers up, and they actually had to ask the security guard to leave it open for us. If not, however, we had arranged a backup plan that would have taken place nearby. Preparing for that ahead of time was well worth the effort, as it meant that the proposal would not be ruined by an uncontrollable factor.

You can control a lot of the engagement, and it is your responsibility to take over the situation. Do as much research ahead of time as possible, go through the site, and figure out what you're going to say. Thinking that you'll just make something up on the spot will mean that you will miss something important, so figure it out ahead of time. The moment itself is so surreal that unless you write down and practice what you're going to say, you will probably forget it. It might sound silly, but I highly recommend it. I had written it down and practiced it a number of times, and I still forgot how to start because I was so overwhelmed by the moment. Don't let that happen to you.

All in all, the proposal is something that you're going to remember for the rest of your life. Make it special so that she feels treasured, make it private so that she's comfortable, make it a surprise so that she's overjoyed, and be prepared so that she knows she is in good hands. Good luck.