How to Raise a Red-and-Blue-Blooded American

With the schools these days teaching kids that Karl Marx invented the light bulb and that the French were the heroes of World War II, you have to be extra vigilant to make sure your kid doesn't get the America-love sucked out of him. Just follows these three tips for raising a red-and-blue-blooded American, and your boy or girl will grow up to be a true patriot!

1. Tell him he can have a candy bar if he can do some internet research and find a gas station where gas costs less than $4.25 a gallon. When he finds one and proudly shows you, tell him it has to be a European gas station. When he discovers that gas is $8 a gallon in Europe and starts crying, tell him, "I'm just kidding. We're Americans."

2. Make him watch footage of starving African children with distended stomachs. Make sure the footage includes roving flies the children are too sick to swat. Then take him to McDonald's. Be sure to say, "Supersize Me!"

3. Give him a $10 allowance. When you see him smile, say, "But imagine we live in Belgium , and I have to take out income taxes first." Then take back $5. When he cries, say, "Aw, shucks. I was just kidding! We're Americans!" Then give him back $3. When he stops crying but keeps simpering, say, "Actually, we're part of the 50% of Americans that doesn't pay any income taxes at all!" Then give him the other $2.