How to Raise a Tattle Tale

Parents of tattlers may think it is a good thing that their child tells them about every problem that arises. But, telling a parent about peer issues crosses the line into tattling when the child is doing it as a way to get other children in trouble. Children who are chronic tattlers often lack problem solving skills.

Here are some ways that parents inadvertently raise a tattle tale.

Don't Pay Attention to Your Child at a Play Date

If you are not in close proximity, you can not see how your child is interacting with the other children. Young children often have difficulties playing in group situations and most will grab toys, push, or have trouble taking turns.

A parent needs to be an active participant to head off any problems before there is an escalation to hitting or other physical attacks. The only way to head off these problems is to be present and focused on your child and those she is playing with. This is hard when you just want to chat with your friend, but it is necessary in order to prevent problems.

The truth is that some children, instead of telling an adult when they have been hit by another child, will hit back. If they happen to hit a tattler, then they are often the ones to get in trouble simply for defending themselves.

Instruct Your Child to Always Tell You When a Conflict Arises

Instead of teaching your child problem solving skills, let her know that she should come to you whenever there is a problem with a sibling or friend.

A child's first thought when a problem with a friend arises should not be to tell her mother. But, if this is what you have taught her, it will be the first thing she does.

Children need to learn how to negotiate with their peers and they can't do this if they are always seeking parental help for every issue. Certainly, your child should feel comfortable coming to you with big problems or when things are truly out of hand, but every little incident does not require a parent's involvement.

Always Believe Your Child

While this sounds good in theory, most children are not completely honest when relating a sequence of events. If your daughter tells you that her friend hit her, most parents assume that the friend is aggressive and fully to blame. But, often there is more to the story.

Asking your child and the other child what happened before the incident can sometimes work to find out that the hitting was prompted by some other event, such as toy grabbing or name calling.

Reward the Tattling

Reward the tattling by punishing the child that was tattled on is a sure fire way to reward tattling. Some children will use tattling as a tool to get their way when playing with a friend if they know the friend or sibling will always get in trouble.

Also, consistently punishing the child who was tattled on may mean that the true victim is getting punished. A child who was at the end of his rope and trying to solve his own problems may have resorted to hitting out of self-defense or desperation. Then, to get punished on top of that after being tattled on, sets up a bad dynamic between the children.

When a Child Tattles

Assess the situation. If someone is hurt, ask questions to find out what happened.

Pay attention. When a play date erupts in tattling, it's time for the parents to focus on the kids. If they are not handling playing together well, then the parents need to be actively involved or end the play date.

Do not jump to conclusions and automatically punish the child that was tattled on. Simply take this as a cue to pay more attention to the situation.

Tattling is a negative childhood behavior because it is usually used as a way to get other children in trouble. Children who use tattling as their only problem solving technique need to learn more effective methods that will help them have successful peer relations.