How to Read Fortune Cookies (in Bed)

Although I like to think young people find me inspiring for noble reasons, such as my love for the language or insight into their emotions, a friend of mine recently told me her daughter remembers me as the lady who taught her how to read fortune cookies the fun way. Not that I want that to be the sole accomplishment engraved on my tombstone. But there is a way to read fortune cookies that is far more entertaining than just reading what is printed on the little white slip of paper, and this secret is fun to share with people at the end of a Chinese food restaurant dinner.

Chances are you have noticed that when the waitress plops down the little bowl of fortune cookies with the check, and everyone snaps open their crispy cookie to retrieve the pearl of wisdom inside, there is inevitably a let down. "You will get lucky," "You will make a lot of money," "You will (some other trite prediction or snippet of advice)."

Surely there is more to this fortune cookie business than meets the eye, you say to yourself. Fortunately, there is.

The Secret to Reading Fortune Cookies the Fun Way

The secret to making fortune cookies fun to read is to append the words "in bed" to the end of the fortune. Suddenly that faux Confucian fortune comes alive and makes sense. "You will make a lot of money" turns into "You will make a lot of money in bed." It's amazing how just two small words can totally change the meaning of a sentence.

During my research on this important topic, I happened upon a website that collects fortunes from actual Chinese restaurants, a discovery that spared me the effort of acquiring fortune cookies for examples of how adding the words "in bed" to a fortune makes the fortune a lot more fun to read aloud.

Here are some of my favorite "before and after" fortunes:

Before: A thrilling time is ahead for you.
After: A thrilling time is ahead for you in bed.

Before: Everything takes longer than you think..
After: Everything takes longer than you think in bed.

Before: You have the ability to touch many people.
After: You have the ability to touch many people in bed.

Before: Good things come in small packages.
After: Good things come in small packages in bed.

Before: Behind every able man there are other able men.
After: Behind every able man there are other able men in bed.

Before: Make use of whatever advanced technology is available.
After: Make use of whatever advanced technology is available in bed.

Before: Speed is no substitute for accuracy..
After: Speed is no substitute for accuracy in bed.

Before: Keep expectations reasonable.
After: Keep expectations reasonable in bed.

Before: Unplanned activities will be the most satisfying.
After: Unplanned activities will be the most satisfying in bed.

Before: You are extremely generous and always thinking of others.
After: You are extremely generous and always thinking of others in bed.

Before: There is a tendency to carry activities too far.
After: There is a tendency to carry activities too far in bed.

Before: Minimize expectations to avoid being disappointed.
After: Minimize expectations to avoid being disappointed in bed.

Before: Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
After: Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs in bed.

Before: You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
After: You are a bundle of energy, always on the go in bed

Before: Your senior years will be happy and successful..
After: Your senior years will be happy and successful in bed.

Before: Accept no substitutes for that which is genuine.
After: Accept no substitutes for that which is genuine in bed.

Before: An important position shall soon be yours.
After: An important position shall soon be yours in bed.

Before: A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you.
After: A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you in bed.

Before: Judge one not by his charms, but by his qualities.
After: Judge one not by his charms, but by his qualities in bed.

Before: Life is not a struggle, it's a wiggle.
After: Life is not a struggle, it's a wiggle in bed.

Before: Resist a temptation to take shortcuts of any kind.
After: Resist a temptation to take shortcuts of any kind in bed.

Before: You will overcome your inhibitions.
After: You will overcome your inhibitions in bed.

Before: Make allowances for exaggeration on someone's part.
After: Make allowances for exaggeration on someone's part in bed.

Before: Your wit will lead you into a very interesting situation.
After: Your wit will lead you into a very interesting situation in bed.

Before: You always know when to be kind and when to be assertive.
After: You always know when to be kind and when to be assertive in bed.

Before: You can solve your problem if you exert yourself.
After: You can solve your problem if you exert yourself in bed.

Before: Now is the time to depart from your regular routine..
After: Now is the time to depart from your regular routine in bed.

Good fortunes to all-in and out of bed. Now why am I suddenly hungry for some shrimp with lobster sauce?

Sources
http://www.joe-ks.com/Fortune_Cookies_In_Bed.htm
Personal Experience