How REAL Golfers Keep Score

Yes, the handicap system does have its place in golf. But a handicap isn't a measure of ability any more than the IQ test is a measure of intelligence. Any golfer will tell you he is more than a number, particularly anyone whose handicap is barely lower than his IQ. We golfers have our own ways of measuring our abilities, and measuring the abilities of those around us. Submitted, for your amusement, are seven of the most commonly used methods for measuring a golfers skill.

Good enough to hit the ball off the ground. The worst part about hitting the ball ten feet off the tee is that everyone knows it. Slice it into the woods, shank it into the rough, hit the water, a deer, a spectator, at least you get to pick up your bag and start walking. Nothing matches the embarrassment of trying to hit out of the rough, ten feet from where you started. This is particularly true of the first hole, where you are likely to have a bigger audience. Golfers have been known to hit a pitching wedge off the first tee to avoid such an embarrassment.

Good enough not to keep score. Most of us live and die by what we shoot. You can lose your job, watch your daughter marry a leather clad biker, shoot an 84, and call it a good week. Likewise, it's best not to put the best china out the night after we shoot in triple figures. But a few of us are so good that we simply can't remember what we shot. Was that two putts or three? How many shots did it take me to get out of the rough? You know what, just mark it a five. It's not like it really matters.

Good enough to practice your swing in the office. You may have seen guys practicing their swing (without ball or club) in the office, the elevator, at dinner parties or at night clubs. You may have asked yourself, does he actually think that'll make him better. Well, no, he's well aware that he looks foolish. He is simply making a statement to the world that he is good enough to practice without a club.

Good enough to buy golf shoes. No one knows what clubs you're using, no one cares what type of ball you've got, and to be honest, the only one who notices that hitch in your swing is you. Shoes, however, we notice right away. And if you plan on spending a lot of time in the woods hunting for your ball, your shoes ought to be some color other than white and they had better cost less than your driver.

Good enough to take two practice swings, check the wind, walk up to your ball, wiggle your hips, pause, wiggle again and then swing. No one minds a golfer who takes his time, as long as he makes his shots. But you'd better not take a year and a half to swing and then wind up in the sand.

Good enough to call a ten foot putt a gimme. Yes, most of us dread those downhill putts from yards away, especially when there's a twosome behind you that's been waiting to tee off for the last fifteen minutes. But a select few are so good, so supremely confident in their skills that they do not feel the need to actually attempt this shot. They simply pick up the ball, write it down as a one putt, and move on to the next hole. If you hint that, well, they might not have made that putt, they'll look at you like you just you just suggested that the world might not be round.

Good enough to play an extra nine. Everyone steps up to that first tee in a good mood. The sun's shining, birds are chirping, and you've got the next few hours to commune with nature, talk it up with your buddies and engage in some good natured competition. But that's before you flub that three footer on eight, before it takes you three tries to get out of the sand trap on eleven, and before your seven mile hike back to three to pick up your nine iron. By the end of eighteen holes, are you thirsting for more, or just thirsting for a cold one?