How to Recognize Domestic Abuse

Daily, the media stories continue about disappearances or turmoil surrounding relationships; usually days or weeks later, a culprit is apprehended and there is verification of domestic abuse.

There are various phases of this insidious act and the following tips help provide clues on how to recognize it.

Defining the term
Domestic abuse is also called spousal abuse. It happens between two people sharing an intimate relationship or marriage, wherein one of those people attempts to have total control over the other.

This can occur in heterosexual unions, same-sex relationships, or in other types of home dynamics, such as when an abuser is put in charge of the elderly. It happens across the board, regardless of age, ethnicity, sex, economic or social background, yet most frequently affects women as victims. Abuse can occur during the relationship, after it's over, or somewhere in between.

The abuser's MO
How they operate is that abusers never "play fair." Victims who make the mistake of expecting fairness eventually encounter the most extreme measure of abuse: domestic violence.

The abuser establishes a domination pattern early on and bullies his victim - stopping at nothing to achieve total control, frequently escalating over time in his actions and behavior. When physical abuse occurs, it is generally in areas hidden by clothes, or explained away - even by the victim - as an "accident."

Often, outsiders don't recognize the abuse because there is no obvious physical damage. Psychological damages, however, cannot be measured. Passive-aggressive ways to bully a person include using fear, shame, guilt and intimidation, including overt threats to the victim or those she cares about. The abuser's goal is to maintain complete power - and he will stop at nothing to do that.

Typical victim behavior
Victim behavior is telling. Victims have similar actions and reactions to people and events, especially when their partners are present; these are strong indicators that abuse is occurring at least in private.

Victims appear fearful, desperate or helpless, depressed, numb, unable to make decisions, avoid eye contact or certain subjects/people or have other signs of withdrawal and seem to feel worthless or deserving of mistreatment, sometimes remarking that they feel crazy or are losing their grip.

Victims eventually avoid socializing with others, even friends and close family, yet are quick to defend their abusers, or to agree with them. If an abusive act is interrupted by police or other intervening people, frequently the victim appears to be the one out of control, while the abuser is calm and collected.

Abusers are diabolical
Abuser's behavior is cyclical, but hidden from the public. Abusers are hard to expose, so well-advanced are they at their "craft." They can't risk divulging their true nature and even enlist the help of their victim to keep their secret.

Rage and anger don't always surface; it must be hidden from others. If family, friends or the authorities appear in the midst of an abuser's act, it will often seem the victim has the problem, not the abuser. That's because the abuser already has the victim cowed to his way of thinking and both know that if she exposes him, she will pay for it later.

Common abusive traits
Abusers vary, but they share common behaviors. Some may claim they love their victims, but nonetheless always hurt them. Those victims, over time, learn to equate love with pain and suffering and no longer trust their own natural instincts to need love.

Abusers insist on making all decisions, expecting total obedience. They approach victims in a de-personalized manner - as if they were servants, children or objects instead of people. They dominate all finances, destroying any means of escape, even at times tethering a victim with threats of the abuser's suicide. They humiliate, playing havoc with victims' self-esteem, or put unfair burdens on them through guilt. They know a person who feels worthless or powerless will doubt that anyone else wants them and less likely to leave. Or, a victim may feel if she leaves, she will be blamed for the abusers' death or downfall.

Forced into an isolated environment, victims have less balance overall to object to abuse; abusers think of ways to keep outside people away with that in mind. Abusers may also stalk, harangue, set up "rules," or threaten victims' loved ones to make the victim avoid her own support system due to fear of them also being confronted by the abuser.

Abuser are con artists
Don't be fooled. Any signs of abuser remorse are an act. He is only sorry because he fears being caught by others, not for his actual actions. He may try to rationalize, laying blame on the victim and everything but himself.

He devises fantasies within his mind that the victim is not privy to, often keeping his victim off-kilter by changing his rules without warning - knowing that she will ultimately be blamed for failing to follow. He continuously sets her up, sometimes filling her with false hope, but mostly playing a game she can never win.

Abuse = violence = death
Experts advise that abusive behavior leads to violence. If you cannot speak in depth with a victim and encourage her to leave, contact your local police and make an anonymous complaint. They can be investigated and no one is arrested until that is complete.

More judges and legal departments are being educated on abusive relationships as steps are taken to teach judicial and law enforcement entities how to deal with it.

Remember: About 75 percent of victims are treated with violence when they finally make the decision to leave - most ending in murder. If that decision has been made, the victim needs to protect herself and have a plan or a place to go that is safe from abuse. She also must not weaken, and make the exit a clean break.

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