How to Recover from an Affair

Finding out your partner has had an affair is a gut-wrenching experience. You may feel like your world is crumbling around you. Your first reactions may range from wanting to get out, to wondering what you could have done to prevent it, to kicking yourself from not noticing. There is a lot of advice out there about how to recover from an affair, some better than others. Theses tips are from someone who has been through it, and is still getting through it.

1. Make a decision.

This may be one of the harder parts, but you have to decide whether you are going to stay or go. Until you actually make this decision you will bounce back and forth, and you won't be able to move forward. There will be a lot that you need to consider: can you financially afford to leave, what resources do you have to assist you in leaving, do you still love your partner, does your partner want to stay? Your religious or cultural upbringing may also come in to play here. If you don't think you can afford to leave, consider all of your options. Talk to your family. Perhaps they would be willing to help out so that you can get out of a bad marriage. Swallow your pride. Getting help in the short-term is much better than being miserable in the long-term. Determining if you love your partner is important too. Perhaps you've been drifting away from your partner for a long-term; loss of intimacy can be a major factor in a partner's decision to have an affair. It's okay if you don't love one another anymore; walking away may be best for both of you. If your partner doesn't want to stay, you can't force them to; that would only make the both of you miserable.

If you decide to stay, then you need to begin the steps to recovering from the affair.

2. Forgive yourself.

A natural reaction to your partner's infidelity is to blame yourself. You may wonder what you did to cause it, what you didn't do that caused it, how you could have prevented it, what you can do to keep it happening again. Self-esteem takes a huge hit after an affair; you may find yourself comparing yourself to the "other person" on a regular basis, wondering what they had that you didn't. STOP. While maybe there were some warning signs, no one catches them all. The other person is not better than you, they are just different.

3. Begin making changes.

Now is the time to start making the changes in your life that you've been planning for awhile. Have you wanted to change your hair? Your weight bothering you? Maybe you want to rearrange the house. At a time like this, change is good. Buy new clothes if you can afford them. Take up a hobby. This can also help to take your mind off of your feelings of guilt and your feelings of anger and betrayal.

4. Be angry.

You should be. You were betrayed. You were lied to. Vows were broken. You may feel used, and you have every right to feel that way. Yell, scream, rant, rave. Let the world know how upset you are. And while you're at it, let your partner know how hurt and angry you are. Communication is very important right now. If you are angry and can't deal with them at the moment, let them know. Tell them, "I am still very hurt, I am still very angry, and I am trying to deal with this." If they can't handle that, walk away.

5. Go to a counselor. Alone. And together.

You need someone to talk to who can be objective. Your friends will give you sympathy and a shoulder to cry on, but they will be subjective; they will see your side and defend your side. If you have issues that you need to deal with, they may not point them out. Your partner is the one who betrayed you; talking to them will be difficult until trust is rebuilt, and that takes time. Going to a counselor can help you find out what you can do to prevent a recurring affair. If your partner is willing to go to counseling even better. You can talk together in a non-threatening manner, and they can learn to identify what caused them to seek attention outside of your relationship.

6. Be patient.

You can get through this. The pain will get better. But it WILL take TIME. You will have good days, and you will have bad days. You will notice things in your partner that you didn't notice before. You will be overcome with suspicion on some days. Other days you will be clingy and not want your partner to go anywhere. You won't be able to trust them for a long time; even if they are on their best behavior. Be patient with yourself, and be patient with your partner.

7. Know when to walk away.

There may come a time when you realize that things aren't going to change. Don't keep going; walk away. If your partner continues the affair, or starts another, it's time to leave. If your partner is abusive, then leave. If you realize that you don't love your partner anymore, leave. If you are miserable more often then not, leave. Knowing when to keep going and when to walk away can be the most important thing to know in your recovery.