How to Regain Your Virginity

I want my virginity back. Seriously, I was having this conversation with my friend Jesse and he said, "It's all relative. But if you've done the deed it's not coming back. Deal with it!" He also went on to tell me he actually had the same discussion with someone else and they said you could be considered re-virginated within 9 months (the gestation time for a baby to develop). If that is the case then I'm a virgin 100 times over - - cause the Clinton administration has been out well beyond nine month's!

We normally say we lose our virginity. Well, if we didn't (technically) lose it, can we go back and get it? I know exactly were I left mine. Actually, I all but gift wrapped it in a Tiffany box and handed it to that joker on a silver platter!

No, I'm not bitter. I just think I should be able to regain ownership somehow. I realized shortly after my pledge of love to him that he didn't want it. I still have his number so I'll call this weekend to see if, by chance, he kept it in a box in his parent's garage.

Honestly, there should be some sort of statute of limitations on the use it or lose it side of life. I don't think I've lost it. But, damn, I'm starting to forget what any of it was about. So, could that be the link. Once you forget who does what to whom and when, you get it back?

I know, that sounds like a childish teenage rant but I think it's plausible. It would be the equivalent to having your record expunged; a total do over.

I was going to write my congressperson to suggest some sort of bill be passed. But lord only knows how long that would take. I may be going through a second infancy by the time the bill reached the Senate floor for consideration.

Most who know me know that I'm a researching fanatic. So I took to the web to see if there were any solutions to my dilemma. Apparently I am not the only one trying to re-claim virgin status.

There is actually an organization called the Society for the Recapture of Virginity, Inc(SRV). For the submission of your name, date, time and duration of when you loss your virginity, they will immediately send to you a 3D image. This image, when you focus really hard, will give you back your virginity.

Oh, it doesn't stop there.

You will also receive a certificate signed by the SRV president, a badge (their motto is - - Why wear your heart on your sleeve when you can wear your virginity), and a Virginator. According to the SRV:

The Virginator is a fully operational biorhythm restructure band. Based on the information you give to the VRS 3000, a microchip is custom encoded with a unique algorithm. This microchip is then attached to a wristband, which you wear at night while you sleep. During the night, the microchip emits harmless radio waves which adjust and correct your virgin biorhythms. While you dream, your virginity will be restored. You will not feel a thing, but you will wake up a virgin!

This organization also touts a list of success stories, re-virginated facts and a history on re-gaining your virginity. It may all be hogwash but, damn it, I'm joining!!!!!

I wasn't as impressed with information found on a European website stating "Once your virginity has gone, I'm afraid that you are no longer a virgin." They referenced the hymen and how once it's broken, that's all she wrote! But bless their hearts they offered a solution to the hymen issue.

Apparently, outside of the US (I didn't find any listings for any here), there are doctors who will sew it back up for you!!! How fantastic is that! They sew a "flap" which creates the illusion of a hymen. So only you, the surgeon performing the operation, your OB and three closest girlfriends know your blatant lie! Your honeymoon will have that feeling of sacredness.

Unfortunately I cannot see how this would be helpful to me. Most women who left testimony about having this operation did it mainly to give their husband/boyfriend/mate a feeling of virginity (tightness).

I'm certain that is not my issue. Heck, it's been so long I could probably crack coconuts with my Kegel muscles.

So, I do have options. But then I started thinking. It won't be the same. I mean, my original virginity was squandered on a young man two years older than me in 1985. I had the opportunity to keep it and maintain its purity until . . . until . . . until . . . Heck, it's not like a figurine. I couldn't put it on a shelf and admire it on a daily basis. That would just be one more thing to dust. Someone was going to be the receiver at some point. But, I just want that one back.

I guess I can't complain. I have seen the movie 40 Year Old Virgin (with Steve Carell) and have met more than one of them. And just like the Andy Stitzer character in that movie, virginity extended throughout eternity is a tad bit scary.

So, I guess I'll just take Jesse's advice and deal with it. At least I know the allure of the forbidden dance. I'll just have to be patient and see if I'm ever invited to a party again. Maybe there are some Cliff Notes to keep the knowledge fresh. Until then Long Live Virginity!!!!! At least until you give it away - - again.

Everybody (pick your language and chat along)

Long Live Virginity!
Desea el virginity vivo!
Sehnen sich Phasenvirginity!
Desidera il virginity in tensione!
Long o virginity vivo!
Désirent ardemment la virginité de phase!
Lang levende maagdelijkheid!

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