How to Relate to a Difficult or Controlling Family Member Without Losing Your Mind

For a variety of reasons, not everyone in our lives can be there for us the way that we hope that they would. It is especially difficult when these people are close family members. Whatever the reason for this isn't important. Your feelings are, though. It is frustrating and depressing not to be able to "connect" or get along consistently with someone you love or care about. Here are tips on improving your relationship while taking care of yourself. These come from years of advice given to me from therapists, that actually did help.

It isn't your fault that you are being treated this way

Growing up, my mother and I hardly ever got along. She had a strong need to control and was highly critical of everything I did or said. I was stubborn and stood up to her at every turn, yet nothing ever was resolved. Her anger escalated and things got out of control. It got so bad, that my teachers intervened and took me away during high school. Staying with someone else to avoid the abuse, I eventually learned that not all people were like this, that they could be kinder, gentler and care about me in a more healthy way. In my opinion, seeing this truly saved my life. In therapy, I learned that my mother's behavior wasn't my fault. All those years, I'd blamed myself for her disapproval and disgust. The good times were good, but the bad were horrific. The sadness I felt was due to not being able to "fix" things, and I thought it was my job to do so. It turned out that it wasn't my job, and that "fixing" someone isn't possible. They have to want to help themselves. This is a hard reality to accept, but at the same time, the burden of responsibility is lifted, and it is liberating to know that it isn't your fault. In our household, blame had been a big part of family life, and I was the scapegoat, who learned to blame myself for everything until taught differently. My mother also went to therapy but didn't like what they had to say and quit. The truth hurt too much. How I'd hoped she'd stick with it and learn to be kinder and gentler.

Through the years, my relationship with my mother has improved, and we talk frequently. Still, she is who she is and still will try to control or analyze me. By now, I am well-skilled in boundary setting. By doing this, I am allowing her into my life, but not letting her do whatever she wants. My limits to what I will and won't tolerate are well-defined. It has helped me considerably to know that I can get up and leave or get off the phone if she violates my boundaries. This takes practise but does help to make dealing with controlling people a lot easier.

Be good to yourself

Don't think that because your loved one isn't respectful or kind to you that you aren't worthy of it. This is a common trap to fall into, and believe me, I've been there. When someone is always in your face, picking on or criticizing you, how do you feel good about yourself? You consider the source, and realize that you are not the one misbehaving. You are witnessing someone else's problem live, in person. (Not so) lucky you. Limit contact with someone behaving this way, and tell yourself that you are a good person, that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Take deep breaths and relax your mind. Get your peace back, by leaving the room, or going off by yourself to regroup. Clear your mind and focus on the fact that you don't treat people like this person does, you know better. Since nobody is there to praise or support you, you must do it for yourself. Just letting someone yell and carry on at you is counter-productive. The idea is to avoid violence or anger. If an issue needs discussing, come back to it later, when the other person is calmer and more stable.

By being clear about what you will and won't tolerate, remembering that you are worthy of respect, and loving yourself no matter what will help fill the void made by a cold or distant family member. You aren't being selfish, you're saving your soul from being seriously damaged. Make no mistake about it, it is difficult to go through this. But, in order to deal with frustrating family members, boundaries are a must. Show them how to love you by letting them know what you will tolerate and what you won't. By being firm yet loving, maintain your relationship and possibly improve it. Work with a therapist for extra support. They are there to help you. You can't change the one you love but you can change yourself, and how you will deal with difficult family issues. Believe in yourself and your self-esteem can be maintained, as you learn to connect to someone you love. Unless they are dangerous to you, don't give up trying to have some sort of relation with them. We only have one family, but they don't need to rule us. Boundaries make the difference.