How to Make Your Relationships Work

Every single thing in life has its ups and downs, pros and cons. From the friendship that you share with your best pal to your relationship with your partner or spouse to your relationship with your family to your work place, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship without arguments and tears. Nothing in life is perfect. That model in the magazine ad had his or her flaws taken out of the picture. Even when you look at a rose that you think is perfect when you first see it. After awhile you begin to see its flaws but you deal with it and it serves its purpose. This is how every relationship is. For instance, your relationship with your spouse or partner. In the beginning everything was terrific. You were excited about having someone in your life that (supposedly) understood you totally, inside and out. Then, you started to see their flaws. They didn't really know you and you didn't really know them. Arguments come and go. You may even ask yourself why you got into this mess. But, you end up staying because there is something more to this situation, there is good and bad. This is a typical relationship. Of course, not every relationship is like this. It can go either way on the extreme meter. Abuse, psychological problems, financial issues, careers and so on can take a toll on a relationship and make it either extremely good or bad. If you have a solid relationship, then you learn to make compromises and make the changes to make things work out for you. When your relationship isn't very stable, changes are impossible and compromises are no where to be found. Relationships have many different aspects.

A rule of thumb that we all must accept in every relationship that we have is that we do not have the power to change someone. It isn't humanly possible, no matter how bad we want it. If an addict isn't willing to help his or herself, no treatment center, program or prison can change their behavior. All the money in the world couldn't buy them a sober life. That person needs to decide on their own that they've had enough of their damaging behavior. This rule also applies to other minor things in life that you may find irritating about your friend, spouse, partner or family member such as the ever so famous toilet seat issue. Major or minor issues, you cannot change someone else if they aren't willing to change themselves. They may tell you that they will change but if they don't want to do it, you are not to blame for their actions. You can send your abusive partner or spouse to a million anger management programs and psychiatrists, but if he or she still believes that their actions are justifiable, you have no choice but to move on or pray that someday they will decide to make that change you want so badly for them. Your co-worker continues to do their job the way that they believe is correct but according to the company they are doing the opposite. Just remember that old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.". Those words have so much meaning in them.

Communication is a key factor that we always forget about. You don't want to bring up an issue because you are afraid that an argument might ensue or that you will end up frustrated beyond words without the problem being resolved. We need to learn how to communicate with others. You can't have a calm conversation if you're not calm. People tend to have conversations that turn into arguments or fights because of their actions and not their words. If someone feels that you aren't being civil with them then they will react to that feeling. We need to take in to consideration that for every action there is a reaction. You can't expect to have a good discussion when your eyes are bugged out and you're looking like a maniac. Good communication also involves active listening on both parts. Each one should be able to say what they are thinking and feeling without being criticized or belittled. You need to listen to be listened to. There is no way around it. You will have your chance to speak your mind and you will want the other person(s) to be listening to your point of view so do the same for them as well. You will see that it's a lot better than a shouting match. This way you can see your options a lot easier. Of course, when your teenager comes home an hour later than you had both agreed on and wasn't answering their cell phone all that time, you'll feel like strangling your child with both hands while you yell at them about being responsible. That's not a very effective way of dealing with this situation, right? Not to mention that you could be arrested for child abuse for that. How about meeting them in the doorway, telling them that you'll need to have a talk with them in the morning so that you both can figure out what went wrong? No, not yelling at them that they better have a good reason for being late when you have that talk in the morning. Threats don't do any good. When you have that conversation with your teen, explain to them that you were upset because you had both agreed to them coming home at a certain time and because you were worried that something had happened to them when they didn't answer their phone. You'll be surprised when they give you the real reason that they got home late and didn't answer their phone. Show them that you are able to listen to them and you will get the truth more often than not from your teen when they are confident that you won't yell at them or treat them like toddlers. No matter who you are dealing with, choose your fights with care. Decide if something is worth the trouble or not.

Compromising is not easy to do but it is necessary in relationships. You don't really want to do A, B and C but you could probably get through A and B without a problem. What about C now? That's where compromise comes in. You're about to plan a dream vacation with your spouse or partner. You both agreed on going to Japan for two weeks. Your other half wants to go shopping, shopping and more shopping. You want to go the shrines, take a train to the country side, sit in a hot spring and try new food. Not many places to go shopping where you want to go. How about staying in the city for the first few days, shopping all you can and sending whatever you can back to your home then jumping on a train to the country side to go to the shrines and relax in a hot spring before you spend your last days in an area between the city and the country so you can do things in one area or the other? It's like that new car that you wanted to buy. You wanted all the options on that baby but you knew that you could live without the massaging chair and the 24 inch spinner rims. You taught yourself to compromise in that situation and you can do it for any other situation too. Compromise doesn't mean giving in to everyone else's choices. It means making choices for a situation so that everyone has a say in it and everyone goes away from it feeling great. We also need to learn how to compromise on situations that aren't so great. You just need to look at all of your options again then decide what is best for everyone involved.

Knowing when to let go is hard. Sometimes the situation makes it easier to decide, but it is still very hard to do and might hurt a lot to do also. You've been at your job for a few years, made a lot of terrific friends there and know how to do your duties well. Yet, the boss is starting to pick on you and you aren't happy there anymore. A new job comes up that would give you better pay and benefits. What do you do? Changes are always hard and many of us don't like changes. You know that taking the new job would benefit you but you are scared that you will fail at your new job, starting over again from the bottom and you will miss your friends a lot. You could decide that it's time for a change, go to the interview for the new place and get your friends' phone numbers and addresses or you could stay at your job, hope that things will change with your boss and deal with whatever comes your way. Most of us would opt to go for the new job but many of us would think about the things that we would lose if we left. You're worried about losing out on the 2 weeks of vacation that you've earned? Ask the human resources person in your company about it. Chances are that you'll be paid for the vacation if it's after your start date anniversary and that would help a lot while you are waiting for the first check from your new job to come in. What about the 401k? See if you can get it rolled over so that you won't have to deal with being penalized for withdrawing it. You will be starting over again and it's a scary time but you did it before and you can do it again.

Just as the seasons change, so do people. We make mistakes, learn from them and move on with our new found knowledge. All of our experiences, good and bad, have something to do with our choices and decisions that we now make. Our relationships in life have taught us how to handle different situations. No two relationships are exactly alike just like no two people are alike. We need to be open to changes, go with the flow and be able to handle the good and the bad. Nothing is perfect in life but if we work at it, we can learn to live with it and be happy.