How to Remove a Parking Boot

I am a parking anarchist. After living in New Jersey and New York my whole life I have seen the abuses of parking authorities that, in the name of commerce, traffic flow and order, generate enormous revenue through the assessment of exorbitant fines for motorists who violate strict and often arbitrary rules. While parking is definitely a problem in New York City, the fines assessed for parking in the wrong place are so large that the city is actually just reaping an enormous profit while failing to provide more parking. In fact, we pedestrians and consumers in the city absorb the cost of parking as delivery and work trucks throughout the city are forced to park illegally when making house calls and pass their fines on to their customers as part of the cost of doing business in New York City. New York has a serious fleet of meter maids who patrol Manhattan's streets several times per day leaving the dreaded white ticket in a red envelope. New York Traffic Enforcement even has a fleet of tow-trucks who can be on the scene in minutes to tow off an errant parker to the city's tow-pound on the west side where a three hour wait and several hundred dollars are necessary to free your car.

Another particularly egregious parking city is New Brunswick, New Jersey, where I went to college. Both the New Brunswick and Rutgers Parking Authorities regularly patrol the city's streets and parking lots dropping ticket after ticket on those pesky habitual offenders. I received several of these hateful tickets during my time in college. I paid Rutgers Parking Authority every dime that I owed them over the years because I needed to resolve all debts in order to graduate college. I didn't like doing it but I paid them anyway. I also have paid New York City what money I have owed them because I'm to trying my best to be completely legitimate. I do, however, have several thousand dollars of outstanding parking tickets that I have yet to pay to a nameless city in New Jersey. For some reason they have never been able to find or arrest me, scofflaw that I am. Before I left college, in fact, I had myself a little barbeque during which I incinerated at least fifty tickets. I have to say, however, that nothing, in my career as a criminal, was ever quite so satisfying as the time that my car was the recipient of a Denver Boot.

The Denver Boot was invented by a Colorado musician as a means to immobilize the vehicles of people who failed to pay their parking tickets. The idea is that instead of towing, which requires greater time, space and expense, booting can force scofflaws to pay up quickly and easily. I first saw a representation of a Denver Boot during an episode of "The Simpsons." I have always been convinced that Parking Enforcement Authorities are a shameless revenue generator for money-hungry municipalities but I have never been so outraged at a blatant violation of civil liberty as the time when I first saw one of these boots for myself.

Most of my tickets were incurred when I parked across town to visit my girlfriend in a particularly busy district. Every street in that part of town requires a permit to park your car and I wasn't going to not visit my girlfriend so needless to say, traffic tickets ensued. One morning, however, as I walked out to my car I noticed an orange sticker on my window. The sticker informed me that my car had been immobilized and that I should not attempt to move it, lest I damage the wheel and chassis. I walked around the front end of the car and saw the bright orange pariah known as the Denver Boot. I scrutinized the beast closely, observing its parts closely. I noticed that a large orange plate covered the hubcab to prevent a car-owner from simply changing their tire and driving away. A short prong pressed the tire flush, holding the boot in place. The clamp had a stout padlock and was affixed to the wheel on the other side of the tire. In a rage I departed the scene to do a little research.

I went to the local computer lab and ran an internet search on the Denver Boot. I learned about the history of this relic from the Spanish Inquisition. I then read a few articles about the structural integrity of the boot and methods of removing it. Some methods were quite simple and did no damage to the mechanism while other methods were move extensive and resulted in the demolition of the boot. Here's what I learned.

The Denver Boot is a simple mechanism that is far more intimidating than it is effective, should you try to remove it yourself. The boot's orange paint and hard steel are all basically a deterrent. The lockbox and padlock are, to be fair, practically indestructible. Unless you have an industrial saw with you, there is no way to take off a boot by removing the lock or destroying the locking mechanism. There are, however, various pins and bolts that can be removed to take the boot off your car, but all such methods still require tools that you probably don't have and will take so long that you run the risk of getting caught and getting another sizable ticket for your impudence. I didn't consider any of these methods feasible. I also didn't want to harm the boot in any way or steal it, as I would be damaging city property. I just wanted to leave it lying there on the sidewalk as I drove away with a maniacal laugh. I found a method to do just that.

Removing the boot without tools or damage is actually a very simple matter. Simply let out about half of the air from the "booted" tired. Once you let the air out the prong that holds the boot in place can be slid past the tire, exposing the hubcap. I had initially intended to change the tire but I found that after sliding the clamp off the front of the tire the rest of the boot was only hooked into the wheel from the rear. I got behind the wheel of the car, started it and drove it a few inches forward and the torque of the wheel immediately popped the boot completely off.

I was free, but I wasn't stupid. I realized that if I were to get another ticket that they wouldn't bother booting my car again; they would tow it and charge me A LOT. Thus, I never parked on that street again. I did, however, extract a further measure of revenge. I created a pamphlet outlining the various methods of removing the boot from a car and began distributing them. I gave some to my friends and whenever they, or I, saw a booted car, we put the pamphlet on the windshield. A few of my friends informed me, a few weeks later, that I was not the first person to undertake such vigilantism, as a man in England, known as "Angle-Grinder Man" had been going around, offering to remove parking boots from the cars of total strangers. He's something of a super-hero to the Brits and a personal role model of mine. I know, I'm immature, but I don't drive a car anymore, vote, pay my taxes and obey most laws.