How-To Repair: A Broken Heart

One day that special someone walks out the door and leaves you battered and broken crying on the floor. Is a broken heart a real medical case or just a feeling? If you have ever suffered from a broken heart than you know the feeling and trust me its more painful then any bruise I've ever had. The end of a relationship can leave you feeling sad, angry, lost, abandoned or questioning your entire life.

Why do people break up: There are more reasons people break up than there are days in a week. Reasons for a break up include unrealistic expectations, different personalities, lack of growth in the relationship and many other reasons many of us know all too well.

Who suffers more: More men commit suicide over a lost relationship than women do. Do they suffer from a broken heart or just a battered ego? Once men have formed that attachment its very hard for them to leave on someone else's terms. Joyce Brothers says that women take breakups easier because they see it coming most times and also they have a support system to help them cope. Just because they see it coming doesn't mean that their heart doesn't break. Women tell everyone when they have broken up and may get over the hurt of the breakup but will never get over comparing themselves with that new woman. The dumpee ultimately suffers the most because it always hurts more if you are the victim.

What happens when it ends: The end of a relationship can feel like part of us has died, like our heart is broken. The end of a relationship can be a time to learn and grow and only time can mend a broken heart. Joyce Brothers once compared the stages at the end of a relationship like those people experience when someone dies. These stages may overlap and you may be in any one stage for years.

Denial: No, it's not over! How many times have I cried that to myself? Only one man broke my heart but the denial stage was a difficult one to get beyond. Denial included everything from denying blame, denying it was over, and denying that he was gone for good.

Anger: Anger is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason. Anger can consume you and some people remain in this stage for years. I, myself, am still here. I am angry he hurt me, I am angry he left, I am angry he made me fall for him, I am angry there was another woman and I am angry he hasn't come back. Anger can be difficult to overcome and when you think you're beyond it, it can hit you like a freight train. Some people direct the anger towards the other while some direct it at themselves.

Bargaining: If he comes back I'll do everything he asks, if he comes back I'll be a better girlfriend, if he comes back I'll make him happy. This is bargaining on a simple level. If you have had a broken heart you know these words all to well. If he comes back I'll quit talking to other men, if he comes back I'll stay home more and go out with the girls less, if he comes home I'll quit the book club to be home when he gets there. You shouldn't have to give up your life or yourself to be with anyone. That said, I would give it all up for one more day with him.

Depression: How many days did your heart ache and you cry over him or her? How long has it been since you shed a tear and longed for him or her? I ache daily still, I long for him to come back and I try to figure out what I did to drive him away. I know in my brain that it wasn't all my fault, and that he isn't coming back. But my heart is a whole other story. It's a complicated organ that doesn't understand logic and desires so much for the breaks to be mended.

Acceptance: He's gone and he's never coming back. I haven't yet accepted that. I still believe in the old adages whats meant to be will find a way and if you love someone let them go, if they come back then you'll know. Acceptance can be easy for some and very difficult for others.

You can't bring someone back from the dead and you can't resuscitate a dead relationship.

Things you long to say to him or her: There are many things that go through my mind daily. There are so many things I long to say to him. Here are some thoughts that run through many peoples minds and they would like to say to the person that broke their heart.

Every day I think about you and every night I dream about you. I can't seem to get rid of you like you got rid of me.

A million words and a million tears can't bring you back. I've tried them both.

I hate you for making me love you and I hate you even more because I cant stop loving you.

The hardest thing to do is to watch you love someone else.

I will never love again, that's OK because at least my heart has loved once.

How to Cope: Don't worry, it does get better. A broken heart can be mended and there are somethings you can do to start that healing process.

Clean Break: What happens when you pick at a scab? It hurts!! And once you pick at it the healing has to start over again and hurt even more. A broken heart is like a scab, let it heal. Make the break a clean one. You have probably done as much talking and arguing as your heart can handle. It's time to let go of him or her. Try to avoid contact, phone calls, and visits. One day you can call him or her up and sort it all out but that day is not today. Today you need to think about you, about healing your broken heart and making yourself feel better.

Spend time with friends: Friends are your support system and although they will probably get tired of hearing it eventually, talk to them. Find someone you can pour your heart out to, even if they only listen. Sometimes you have to help your friends help you. Ask them to go out with you and ask them to help you avoid locations where he or she will be.

Rekindle relationships: Did you abandon or neglect any friendships while you were in the relationship? If so then now is the time to fix those broken friendships. Your friends know, love and appreciate you and can help you to grow and move on. They knew you before and knew you had a life before and can help you believe that you can have one again.

Remember the bad times: Whenever you find that broken heart aching for your ex. Remember the bad times. When breaking up we to often focus on the good things we lost. Fight this and think about the worst times. The tendency to remember the best is normal but can make that broken heart ache longer.

Memories hurt the most: Everything will remind you of your ex, its inevitable. Every song and every movie and it will happen for a long time. You'll want to share things with your ex but DON'T! It is normal to want to share these memories and feelings with your ex especially if your ex was also your best friend. But don't! If you have something you want to share and don't want to forget, write it down. Don't call today. Calling only brings back the hurt and that broken heart can't mend when you keep subjecting it to the pain.

No such thing as closure: There is no such thing as closure. I've said it a million times and heed my advice. Closure just reopens the wound and makes it hurt all over again. I called him to find out the answer to the unending question in my mind. Why? His answer didn't help. I made me start hurting all over again and I was back to square one. A broken heart, an ended relationship, an empty box of tissues and the pain to go along with it all.

Hate is not the opposite of love: If you still hate the person, its not over. How do you know when you have moved on and are truly healed? I don't have an answer because I'm not healed. I still hate him, and I still love him. But one thing I learned is that the opposite of love is not hate. Hate means there are still feelings and you long to turn hate into love. If you are still holding on to that secret hope that he/she will return, your not done. The opposite of love is indifference. When you truly don't care and feel neutral, then its over.

Does he think about me: It's natural for anyone in a breakup to ask themselves this question. But to get over it you must stop thinking about your ex and start thinking about you. Find that one thing that soothes you and do it. Don't call his sister and ask "Does he talk me?" Don't call her cousin and ask "Is she miserable without me?" The answer will never be one you like and if he was talking about you or she was miserable without you, they wouldn't have ended it.

Do something fun: How long have you put off taking a girls night out or going out with the guys? Do something fun for you. Do something frivolous. Go skydiving, bungee jumping, deep sea fishing, learn how to fly a plane, read a good book, watch a movie. Do something fun that you will enjoy and give your broken heart a break for the day.

Put the memorabilia away: Put the pictures and the albums and the teddy bears away. Stop wearing his old shirt to bed and let yourself move on. Don't throw it away right now because you may regret it later. But the memories help the hurt continue and putting those things away can help in healing.

Don't do anything major: Don't make major life changes while amidst the pains of a broken heart. Do something little for you. Buy a new pair of shoes (or in my case 12 pairs), get a new outfit, get a new haircut. Do something that will make you feel special but wont have lasting consequences. A friend on mine suffering from a breakup once quit her job, it didn't help. Luckily her boss was a very caring woman who sympathized with her and gave the job back the next week.

Get help: Don't be afraid to seek help, The best thing to do is to live you life and free yourself. Allow yourself to grieve but then allow yourself to let go. If you cant do that on you own then seek a professional to help you along the process.

What you can feel, you can heal. It is possible to feel true happiness again. Healing your broken heart may be a difficult and long road. Learn from your mistakes and make yourself a better person. Some day I will call him and I will thank him for breaking my heart. Someday when I let go and am ready to love again, I will appreciate the pain. Because the pain is what lets us truly know we are alive.