How Resentment Towards Your Partner is Trigger

Do you find yourself constantly arguing with your partner? Does resentment linger in your relationship long after an argument has ended? Dr. Cindy Brown, a leading behavioral and relationship specialist, has collected the most common triggers of arguments in a relationship. Knowing and understanding these triggers will enable partners to communicate more effectively with each other.

1. Pointing Fingers

Literally, when you point your finger and accuse someone of something, he or she will go on the defensive, even if there is no reason that he or she should be defensive. Pointing fingers is an aggressive action can be abusive and controlling.

2. The Blame Game

This game starts with the constant usage of the word 'You' in arguments. It is highly aggressive and one sided. This will trigger a defensive response and immediately turn the discussion into an argument. When speaking with your partner, letting them know your feelings as they pertain to you rather than what they did wrong is preferable. This is verbally similar to pointing fingers and often goes hand in hand with that trigger.

3. Shouting

Shouting has always brought out the negative in people, have you noticed? When your parents shouted for you, did you feel slight resentment? It is akin to making you feel like a dog to come at their disposal. When you shout across the room at someone, rather than going to them, it tends to show control. Making them come to you automatically takes the discussion out of balance.

Secondly, shouting at a person who is directly in front of you is just plain abusive. There is no need to discuss why this would be a trigger, is there?

4. Tones and Body Language

Have you ever been in a discussion with someone and in response to a statement or question, they have rolled their eyes or emitted an exasperated sigh? Tone and body language is an important trigger to arguments. Keep this in mind as you react to your partner. Closing your arms over your chest is a sign of closing your mind to what your partner has to say. If you are on the phone snorts, sighs, unexpected laughter at inopportune times will all guarantee that your partner begins to resent your responses and the discussion will quickly turn hostile.

5. Interrupting

Interrupting someone while they are talking is not only frustrating; it is a trigger to arguments. When you interrupt your partner, most times they will feel as though you do not care enough to let them finish. Interruptions are common and happen many times because one partner wants to respond to a specific statement before the discussion gets too far past that point. However, the response will be the same from the interrupted partner. They will feel resentment at not being able to finish their thought. At first, they will be silent, but as interruptions continue that resentment will burst into hostility.

6. Using disrespectful or offensive words

This should also be self-explanatory. Who wants to be called names? Who wants their thoughts and feelings derided and dismissed in such a disrespectful way? To some, this would be considered a type of abuse, whether or not the voice has been raised to a shouting level. Quite simply, that type of language is abusive in nature. Arguing without resorting to name calling and offensive words will go a long way in reducing hostility.

7. Using threatening physical, hand, or body gestures

Whether meant as a joke, or for real, using threatening gestures demonstrates a sense of overbalance and control. It implies that physicality is possible and will encourage fear. Once this is triggered, there is no chance of the discussion being civil. Is the gesture is a joke? Why would you need to "joke" with threatening gestures during a serious discussion?

8. Lack of attention

Distractions during a discussion with a partner can trigger negative responses. Are you trying to watch the game while your partner is talking to you? Turn off the TV. Are you playing with one of the children, reading a magazine, or talking to someone on the phone? The point, is no matter what you are doing, stop. Giving your partner your full attention is the only way to ensure that they will not feel less important than these other activities. If those other activities are seen to be more important, be sure that it will trigger resentment.

9. Avoiding a person

There are two points to make here. When you avoid someone, you create distance in the relationship. Your partner will not fail to notice this and it will trigger doubts and insecurities. Your partner will begin to feel unwanted and the resentment will boil into an argument.

The second point is about wondering. Have you ever been left to wonder about something and there is no way to get the answer, except to talk to the one person who is avoiding you? Being left to wonder is one of the worst feelings in the world. The mind begins to create scenarios and plays the "what if" game. This will quickly turn into paranoia if not attended to and, as such, will create hostile arguments. The sad truth is that most times the actual correct issue will be lost beneath the self-perceived issues.

Knowing these triggers and putting into practice a conscious avoidance of using them will create a civil discussion between you and your partner. Learning how to communicate is achieved just as well by knowing what not to do. Next time you have a discussion with your partner on potentially argumentative subjects, make a note of these triggers and make an effort, together, to not use them in the future.