How to Resolve Conflict

I'm an officer in an organization and, until recently, had been butting heads with another officer. In short, we just weren't getting along. What's worse, the obvious tension was affecting the rest of the officers on our board. Even worse? There were others who told one what the other may or may not have said in confidence.

It was almost to the point of spinning out of control.

The breaking point came when I opened my in box. I read an email from my fellow officer and took offense. And, unfortunately, it caught me at the wrong time and I shot off a terse email of my own.

An hour later, I had calmed down. But the damage had been done.

I'm happy to say, however, it wasn't permanent. Here's how we resolved our conflict - and how it might help you do the same, whether at work or socially:

I called a meeting. A one-on-one meeting in a neutral location. In this case, a nearby donut shop. This put both of us in a more comfortable frame of mind. Partisan locations always puts the "visitor" on "enemy ground," which can also put them on the defensive.

Start with the end in mind. Steven Covey's concept of formulating your expected results before beginning a task sounds simple, but it in fact reveals Covey's genius. After all, why start something if you don't know how you want it to turn out? I started the one-on-one by stating my expected results: that if we didn't wind up being best friends, then we should at least act cordial and work with each other toward the benefit of our organization. When you start with the end in mind during conflict resolution, you'll usually get an automatic buy-in.

Nix the past. Either one of us could have filled the time we'd allotted with our gripes about the other. In fact, up to three hours before the meeting, I was ready to do so with a heavy hand. I'm glad I didn't. It would have been a waste of time and wouldn't have accomplished the intended end. After getting a buy-in on my expected end results, I made a motion to end the past and start fresh. Sometimes this is hard - particularly if there's a history of bad blood. But getting rid of those gripes is essential to moving forward in a cordial fashion. Particularly if you have to work with that person.

Initiate a joint project. It's one thing to say bygones are bygones, and another to do it. I decided to put it into action by proposing a joint project - one where the two of us would need to work closely with each other and communicate often. The project appears to be running smoothly and we're actually happy to be around each other.

Agree on a communication method. Most of our problems stemmed from communication. My comrade had sent a few emails to one of my accounts that I, unfortunately, don't access that often. I wasn't ignoring my team mate, but it appeared that way. And the emails that we did exchange were misinterpreted by the other. One more than one occasion, my comrade hung up on me when something I had said was misconstrued. We agreed on which of my email accounts to communicate through and to keep it project-related. Emails, after all, can be easily misconstrued.

IN A NUTSHELL: To peacefully resolve conflicts, call a meeting, start with the end in mind, nix the past, start a joint project and agree on a communication method.