How to Resolve Conflict Through Appreciation

Conflict sometimes arises suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere whether it is conflict between two strangers in an auto collision, conflict between roommates who have known each other for life or conflict between two people devoted to a romantic relationship.

Conflict takes many shapes and nobody is immune to conflict, so it benefits anyone to learn to work through conflict more effectively. Conflict is not always a bad thing. It is through conflict that problems are addressed and problems are solved. However, conflict can also be damaging and hurtful because emotions fuel the conflict.

In a perfect world, you would have time to slow down and analyze the conflict. Asking questions about why the person is so angry or analyzing yourself to see why you allowed the conflict to make you so angry. However, this is not a perfect world, and we do not always have that luxury during times of conflict. Often a source of conflict is that someone does not feel appreciated. Someone does not feel that his or her thoughts or ideas are being treated as if they are meritorious.

Fortunately, you can improve your skills at dealing with conflict by learning some simple guidelines. The caveat is that in dealing with someone who is emotionally charged, you should be sincere. If you think someone is angry with you, he or she will only get more angry if you seem manipulative.

During a conflict, if you can generate a positive emotion, the chances of conflict resolution rise. One way to transform negative emotions to a more positive state is by showing appreciation. If someone feels appreciated, especially in the midst of a conflict, that person is going to shift gears to a more cooperative spirit.

Appreciation in conflict does not necessarily mean that you agree or approve of the other person's opinion or stance, it may simply means you appreciate the person's passion or right to hold an opinion. Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro identify appreciation in their discussion in "Beyond Reason," a book about emotions during conflict as a tool for reaching resolution.

The three tools to show appreciation during conflict are first, understand the person's point of view. This takes empathy, not necessarily approving or agreeing, but making a sincere effort to see the world and understand the world from the perspective of the other person.

Second, to de-escalate conflict, find merit in what the other person thinks or does. If you truly do not see merit, ask questions. Have an earnest desire to understand what the other person is saying.

And third, you must communicate this understanding. It is human nature to assume that someone is in disagreement if they are silent to a matter; hence, the conflict rises. If you communicate that you see merit and understand the other person's point of view, the conflict will de-escalate.