How to Respond to Family Criticism at Holiday Gatherings

You really want to just laugh it off when your Uncle Ned tells you at the family Christmas dinner that you really shouldn't have another slice of pie, but deep down you realize that approach won't help. You arrive at your family's holiday get-together every year scrutinizing your weight, career, lifestyle, financial security, the cleanliness of your children, the bark of your dog, the color of your toenails, and every minute detail of what makes you who you are with the desperate hope that no one will feel the need to bring any of your "flaws" to the attention of everyone in the room. It's time to stop stressing. This year, be ready with a planned approach for deflecting the tactless comments that seem to be a tradition at family holiday parties. Consider the following tips on how to respond to criticism from family at the holiday dinner table before you enter the battle zone.

Step #1: Walk in prepared. The easiest way to respond with an "um, well, you see..." at a holiday dinner in response to a family member's critical comment is to walk into the room unprepared. Gird your loins and expect the comments ahead of time. Check that mental list we all keep entitled "things my family doesn't approve of" for potential attack material, and even prepare yourself for a few unexpected throw-ins. Don't let them catch you off guard.

Step #2: Mentally prepare a matter-of-fact response to expected critical comments. It's a given at family holiday gatherings that a few tactless members from the black sheep arena will make comments toward those they haven't seen in a while that are less than appreciated. Everyone's usually a victim, some just worse than others. Go ahead and gather a few responses to practice when you're approached about one of those items on that aforementioned mental list. Practice saying what you want to say to your "opponents" ahead of time so that the words come easily at the family dinner table.

Step #3: When approached by a critical family member at holiday gatherings, maintain direct eye contact at all times. Family members who attack their own kind at holiday get-togethers usually do so because they feel safe in that environment. It's the holidays, after all, and everyone will want to keep the peace. As such, they aren't likely to say much to the offender. That gives him/her an excellent opportunity to make harsh comments toward others, for whatever reason, with minimal backlash. They'll be looking for targets upon arrival, and the easier the target, the more likely he/she is to be approached. By maintaining direct eye contact, you are inadvertently telling your attacker that you are ready to respond. Be careful not to drop that eye contact for a moment during conversations, and even search out your potential offenders before they approach you just to get a good glance or two in first. This simple act is almost aggressive and works well to ward off critical family members at any gathering.

Step #4: If approached at the holiday dinner table by a critical family member with an embarrassing question, respond with another question. Asking you a tactless question is an offensive person's way of safely requiring you to almost insult yourself. It leaves them blameless in their own minds, while you are left to defend yourself. Instead of answering any questions that you find personal or invasive, respond with an equally invasive and personal question. The act of turning the tables will instantly place the pressure on your offender. The most likely result will be that the entire conversation will be dropped and a new subject will be found.

Step # 5: Deflect the embarrassment back on to your critical family member. If the subject is indeed not changed, it's time to seriously turn the situation around. Before you enter your holiday gathering, think about the weaknesses in those that attack you every year for any little thing. What embarrasses them? What flaws does everyone acknowledge in them? What might they not want pointed out about themselves? While it wouldn't be sophisticated to attack them outright, be prepared to deflect any embarrassing comments or questions right back on to your attacker in a more personal manner. For example, if drunk Aunt Lydia approaches you about your struggle to lose weight, you might consider responding with an inquiry about her "continued" path toward sobriety. You get the picture. You might feel a bit ruthless, but consider the attacks you've quietly had to bear over the years. This last resort is a fail-proof mouth closer.

Finally, try to keep in mind that you are the victim. If family members are constantly criticizing you at holiday gatherings, perhaps it's time to display a little confidence in your decisions and stand tall, if even by yourself. That alone might do the trick.