How to Revise a Poem

Some poets plan a poem as if it were going to have multiple floors, pillars and arched entryways. I like to spit out a poem, because a poem does just happen to me. My poems are more like make-shift huts made of palms while I'm on some journey. They're OK, my poems, but if I spend more time on them, they do get more interesting and solid. If you are like me in that poetic capacity, you probably write a poem and smooth it out as you write it, with very little revisits. If so, then you too have a great number of poems that really can be much better.

When we let poems happen, they do come from some very real part of us that needs to be expelled onto paper. That doesn't mean we're emo teens with dark thoughts floating around our jet black hair-dyed heads. We could be at peace, or in awe, upset, or even bored. We poets notice stuff, then find unique ways to write about it so that others can get the chance to see through our eyes.

With that said, it is very necessary to revise a poem. We may be full of pride, assuming our full emotional connection to the writing delivered us from such movement in such a way that our words formed perfectly as they evaporated from our brains and condensed onto paper. That really doesn't happen usually. In fact, our emotional ties to poetry sometimes keep us from seeing how much we need to strengthen the give of our feelings to the reader. Because we feel it, we assume the reader does. Not so.

So, how do we revise a poem? We go line by line. We're hoping that each line shows the reader what we want to show, and that there are no superfluous words whatsoever. To demonstrate, I'll attempt to revise the poem I quickly wrote for another example in the other article I wrote, "How to Write a Love Poem."

Milk

At night, when your
breath wraps into mine,
as our cheeks sink
into the pillows,
and you part your soft
lips to say, "good night, Dev,"

I take a deep sip
of your cool, voice
and savor it into slumber.

Okay, so I'm going to re-read my poem in whole, then I'm going to figure out how I can make the wording any more efficient, then I'll go line by line.

Firstly, I notice that there's a comma in there that I don't need, between "cool" and "voice." in line 8. Secondly, I don't like the word "as" in the beginning of line 3, so I want to change that to "and." Finally, I'm already thinking there might be a better way to say the last line, "and savor it into slumber." I like the alliteration of the "s" sound, because I think it connotes sleep, but "savor into slumber" doesn't quite catch the feeling I'm going for. His voice is smooth and comforting. It fills me up and pacifies me. It satisfies me. Also, starting with "At night, when your..." reminds me too much of the cadence of the phrase, "One time, at band camp," so maybe I'll re-work that.

Here's what I have so far:

Your breath wraps into mine,
and our cheeks sink
into the pillows.

You part your lips to say
"Good night, Dev,"
and your smooth voice
satiates me into slumber.

At this point, I re-read the poem and am not quite happy with the results. I go line by line.

Your breath wraps into mine: I'm not sure I need this line. The image of "one breath," and "one heartbeat" are old in poetry. I'm not going for that as my main gist anyway. As a poet, I'm trying to get people to feel the way I feel when I hear my lover's voice at night; how it fills me up and satisfies me. So, I'm going to ditch this image.

and our cheeks sink/ into the pillows: Okay, because I lost the first line, this will need to be reworded, but I have to think about this image. I do like this image, but I want it to work better with the metaphor of his voice being milk. I know, I think I'll say this: The pillows swallow our cheeks.

You part your lips to say: My thought on this line is that it's too wordy. We all part our lips to say anything. How can I make this line more meaningful? I think I might just work on the image after explaining what happens. I'll start it from, "You say, "Good night, Dev." Or, maybe I can use a verb. You pour the words into me? Hmmm. I really need to figure out this one.

For now, I want to work on what the voice does, versus "satiates me into slumber." I think I can use a more active voice and say, "I swallow your voice/ savor it,/ and slide to easy sleep."

Let's see what I have now.

The pillows swallow our cheeks.
You say, "Good night, Dev."
I swallow your voice,
savor it,
and slide to easy sleep.

OK, I re-read this version and notice two things:
I use "swallow" one too many times, and
I should separate "savor it" so it stands out. It takes time to savor something.

The pillows swallow our cheeks.
You say, "Good night, Dev."
I sip your voice,

savor it,

and slide
into easy sleep.

So, that's my revision. I may come back to it, if the subject strikes me with enough importance. Is the poem finished, or great now? Well, for me, it works better then it did before this version. I'm sure that, with some outside eyes, I can tailor it, but for now, I've done my first revision. I hope my revision process helps you in working with your own poetry.