How to Ruin Your Life in Five Easy Steps

Ruining your life is easy, when you know how. Some people seem to ruin their lives effortlessly; they seem to have a gift for attracting destruction and misfortune. Other meander along the path of ruin, utilizing dozens of inefficient means to ruin their lives, bit by tiny bit. Sure, the end result is the same for both types, but why choose the inefficient means? Ruin your life in five easy steps! Here's how:

1. Be born. This is by far the easiest step-- everyone does it, and you don't even have to put much effort into it. Your mother (and maybe a doctor) will do most of the work for you. Though this step sounds elementary, it's crucial! By being born, you 1) furnish the life that will inevitably be ruined, and 2) begin the futile process leading toward death.

2. Have parents. You need only have had parents, period. And again-- everyone does! You don't need to have grown up with them! All you need is two people who each supply half of your chromosomal makeup, and no matter what they do, they will contribute to ruining your life. Whether they stick around to raise you, abandon you to the Riverdale Orphanage, or emotionally damage you to the point of serial killing, they're sure to traumatize your life to some degree. You have to start somewhere! Just sit back and let the magic work.

3. Get married. This works if you're gay, too-- you only need to be partnered for this one. An actual marriage license is not required. What you're looking for is that person who is the screwed-up yin to your screwed-up yang. Make sure to (consciously or subconsciously) select that person most likely to bring out the worst in you, day after day. Make sure that you can't live with them or without them. If one partner becomes too unmanageable or you find yourself moderately happy, leave that person and try, try again! Many people find the mere cost of divorce to be life-ruining!

4. Have children. Again, marriage is not required-- you need only have working reproductive organs or the means to adopt a child. What children do is put even more strain on your already troubled relationship, and they add a special bonus of being moneysucking leeches who can cause ulcers with their relentless whining, demands, and ingratitude. Although it seems that they will only ruin your life for the eighteen years they are legally obligated to reside with you, your children may never move out, or may move back in repeatedly-- in fact, they may move back in with their own unhappy marriage and life-ruining children! Should you be lucky enough to have this happen to you, you'll find your life falling apart at an accelerated pace. Congratulations!

5. Become a writer. Or, fantasize about becoming a writer, so that your real job becomes horribly unpalatable. When you fancy yourself a writer or a would-be writer, you subject yourself to the heartless, uninformed opinions of others while making roughly the same amount of money that your life-ruining children make when babysitting the neighbor's kids.

There are other ways of ruining your life, it's true-- but I know of no more efficient way than those listed above. Try it, and let me know how it turns out!