How to Be Sarah Palin on Halloween

Want to portray the fresh new face of Republican politics - Sarah Palin - on Halloween? Here's how to fashion a Sarah Palin (the candidate) look that will make conservatives and the media alike swoon:

Start with the hair. Think beauty pageant big hair. The hair may be swept into an up-do. If that is beyond your hair styling skills, simply buy a big hair clippie, comb hair into a ponytail, twist, and clip hair with the end of the ponytail pointing upwards. Separate the loose hair into pieces and curl or pin in a pleasing design. Bangs should be straightened and combed over the forehead A half pony or ponytail is also appropriate but the hair at the crown of the head must first be backcombed or ratted before completing the style. Finish with enough hairspray to simulate the look of a helmet that will withstand all the hot air coming from the candidate's running mate.

Find large, rimless eye glasses. The glasses do not need to have prescription lenses in them. Glass lenses will work just fine as the whole point of the glasses is not to improve vision but to make the wearer appear smarter and more serious.

For make-up, once again think beauty pageant. Apply foundation (forgive me!) liberally. You've got a lot of covering up to do! And you may be inexperienced, but you're no spring chicken. (You only look young when standing next to McCain.) Don't skimp on the eyeliner, eye shadow, etc. Outline lips with a lip liner that is darker than the lipstick color so it stands out. (That's not a joke - just something I've observed.)

Your outfit should be a business suit but NOT, I repeat, NOT a pantsuit. You need to highlight the fact that you're a girl since that's the point of your candidacy. High heels are also a must, but the label "conservative" should not apply to your shoes.

Your lapel must feature a flag pin. After all, your party is so much more American than the other party, and that proves it.

Sarah Palin is a person who wears many hats in life which gives you lots of possibilities for accessories. You will surely need a diaper bag. Along with diapers and other essentials, be sure to tuck in a home pregnancy test as you never know when you or another member of your family may need one. Other possible accessories include a hockey stick and a rifle.

When wearing a Sarah Palin costume, it will also be important to act the part. Walk around with your arm extended, palm up, looking for that federal earmark hand-out. Practicing that now famous phrase "You're fired" would also be appropriate as Palin has terminated more people than Donald Trump.

And, speaking of Donald Trump, wouldn't that be a great Halloween costume? But that's an article for another time...