How to Save Your Marriage If You Have Been Unfaithful

Divorce is all too common these days. One typical cause is unfaithfulness. But it doesn't have to spell doom for a marriage. Once the affair has ended and the truth is out, some healing can begin, but behavior needs to change, especially on the part of the one who was unfaithful.

Maybe it doesn't need said, but you need to start with an apology. A sincere apology is one that isn't filled with excuses, just an "I'm sorry I hurt you." You may need to say it more than once. But it is your actions that will mean more to your marriage partner than your words.

If you were unfaithful, your partner probably feels like you don't care about him/her much, even though you both made the decision to save your marriage. You need to work on changing that image. Time and attention are the keys here. As your partner does the dishes, grab a towel and help or at least stay in the room and try to have a conversation. Ask about your partner's day, trying to bring in little things that show you were listening to other conversations. Something small like, "So did Lori ever get that puppy she was talking about?" can mean a lot to a spouse who is feeling unwanted by an unfaithful partner.

You can do things when you are apart to help save your marriage, as well. You don't need to smother each other, but you should let your spouse know you are thinking of him/her. Send a text message, or give a quick call during lunch. If you can schedule lunch together, that is even better. If you do the grocery shopping, pick up some of your spouse's favorites. Grab a single rose or a favorite snack, anything you know your spouse likes, and leave it on his/her pillow or on the seat in the car. All these little gestures show that you care and that your spouse is on your mind.

You also need to change the behavior that got you into the situation leading to being unfaithful to begin with. If your own self-esteem issues led you toward an affair, for instance, then get some counseling. If medical issues caused you to think and act in ways you wouldn't normally, then get medication. Don't put yourself in situations where you will see the person you were unfaithful with, or where you will be alone with someone you have romantic feelings for. If you have made your choice to reconcile with your spouse, then you should nurture those feelings only toward your spouse, nobody else.

Probably the most significant thing you can do to save your marriage is go away together, just the two of you. Your partner may balk at this idea since he/she is probably not feeling particularly close to you right now, but this "forced" time alone together can be quite beneficial. Obviously, it should not be any place that would be a reminder of the infidelity, but it doesn't have to be one of your favorite romantic spots, either; it can be someplace completely new for the relationship you are in as you try to save your marriage.

It is a new relationship after a partner has been unfaithful, regardless of how long the couple has been together. Infidelity causes spouses to see each other in a totally different light. If they are both willing to try to reconcile, that is a good sign, but it doesn't mean things will return to normal. Infidelity is so often the death knell to a marriage because it destroys the trust that has cemented a relationship together. It will take time and energy to win back some bit of that trust and save your marriage after you have been unfaithful.