How to Screw Up a Romantic Relationship

There are thousands of books on how to improve your love life. Obviously they don't work, since hundreds of new advice books are published every year. What has been sorely lacking is a guide on how to screw up your romance. We are eager to plumb the depths of subjects no one has the courage (or the foolishness) to approach, offers these timely suggestions for Valentine's Day:

NAME RECOGNITION: One of the quickest ways to end a romance is to call your love of the moment Sally when her name is really Jane.( Or Jim when his name is Bob). The best time to make this mistake is in the middle of a sexual encounter. This ploy doesn't work in situations where the object of your affection doesn't know your name.

PRESENTS: Love objects like appropriate, loving and thoughtful presents, especially for important days like Christmas or birthdays. Thus the solution is to show up with a completely inappropriate, thoughtless present, if you show up at all. Guys, bring her a six pack of Bud. Ladies, bring him a bottle of Windex. The again, if she brings him some Bud, and he brings her some Windex, they might actually be meant for each other.

CALLING: People in love call each other, frequently. The failure to call can be considered an expression of a lack of interest. Promise to call, and then don't. When you are confronted with "why didn't you call me?" answer with a really stupid excuse, like "I was busy stripping the finish off my television set." Watch out for the person who will show up to see if you are doing what you said you were doing.

SMUT: Oddly, even though pornography is widespread, thus you'd assume everyone is watching it, in fact there isn't a woman around who'd tolerate walking into your apartment and finding copies of Leg Show and Hustler lying around. And guys assume women don't look at naked pictures of men. Then again, if your romantic interest does show an interest in this stuff, you might want to reconsider.

DRIVE AWAY: It really rankles a boy friend of a girl friend if you drop them off at the store and drive off.

GET REALLY ANGRY: People in love have fights. That's normal. What isn't normal is to get angry over some really inane thing, like the leaves falling from the trees or the color of freeway signs. And if you blame your love interest for the problem, they'll probably suggest you go into therapy before vacating your life.

LAUNDRY: One of the things people keep from each other is their laundry. Show him (her) your dirty underwear and suggest you do your laundry together. (Note: this can backfire and be considered an act of intimacy, so make sure your laundry is really dirty.)

SCRATCH: For some unknown reason, people have a real problem with other people scratching themselves. It makes you wonder how baseball players ever find a mate and get married. Scratching your ass usually is a big turnoff. However, do not volunteer to scratch each other, as many people find this satisfying. And you don't think we descended from apes?

MOTHER: Introduce your love object to your mother and advise that your mother will have to live with you if you ever get married. This will scare nearly anyone off.

BE CRITICAL: People in love generally avoid being critical of each other. Don't do this, because after you get married, all the pent-up criticism comes out anyway. Start being critical from the first date. (Note: in some cultures, being critical is viewed as a form of affection...so be very careful.)

If none of this works, you are probably dealing with someone who loves you so much, they don't care about your foibles. At which point you should marry them immediately, because you're not going to get a second chance.

(Note: this article first appeared on my web site The Frumious Bandersnatch http://www.bandersnatch.com)

Copyright Hugh A. Holub