How to Seduce a Widow in 10 Days

Catch and Release. This movie caught me hook, line, and sinker, and it also taught me the lesson of how to do the same to a widow in ten days or less. So, if you're in the market for a woman in mourning, then allow me to enlighten you.

Day one: Openly display your sexual prowess. Have sex with one of her friends. If you're good, and she sings your praises, your intended should, hopefully, be intrigued enough to want to find out if the stories are true firsthand, if you know what I mean (I mean, she might want to move you from her fantasy file to her reality rolodex, if you know what I mean [I mean, she might want to have sex with you, if you know what I mean (I just like using parenthesis and the phrase if you know what I mean, if you know what I mean, and I think you do)]).

Day two: Get on her bad side. Find out the things that people do that annoy her, and do them, whether it's clubbing baby seals or just not using a coaster. Just fire her up enough to get her hot and bothered, and not burned up on the inside. Your main objective should be to ignite a fire down below (best movie ever!* [*with the words fire, down, and below in the title that stars Steven Seagal]) that requires a good old fashioned stop, drop, and roll in the hay, if you-- Did you see that? I almost did it again, but I caught myself, if you know what I mean. D'oh!

Day three: Show her your sensitive side. You have to cry in front of her. This is essential, so do whatever you have to do to get it done, whether it's watching Brian's Song, chopping up some fresh onions, or swallowing a live piranha whole. If you you've established your bad boy persona well, then when she sees you cry, she'll think she's getting to see a side of you that only she gets to see, and feel a deeper connection to you, as a result.

Day four: Gain her trust. To get trust you must give it. You have to tell her a secret. Something you've never told anyone. Just remember to try and make it true, and not something that would compel her to turn you in to the authorities.

Day five: Make her laugh. This will help ease her mind and lower her defenses. So, if you're naturally funny, let her rip, but if you're not, then I suggest "accidentally" knocking one of her teeth out, and then offering to take her to the dentist. Once there, bribe said dentist to leave you alone with her while she's high on laughing gas. Trust me. You'll come off as a regular Eddie Murphy (the funny 1980s version, not the one who made Norbit).

Day six: Listen actively. Don't talk a lot, because chances are she's still hung up on her deceased spouse, and the less you speak the better your chances are of having her imagine she's conversing with her departed beloved, and that will probably lead her to transfer her emotions for him onto you. Think of it as if you have an older brother whose clothes have been handed down to you, except that your older is a dead guy, and the clothes handed down to you are the sweet, sweet love being made to you that was meant for him, but can't be made to him, because necrophilia is frowned upon by polite society.

Day seven: Play hard to get. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and as far as that goes, the dead guy has you beat hands down, but that doesn't mean you can't make that old adage work for you, which is something the dead guy can't say, because dead men can't tell tales, and also because, as previously mentioned, necrophilia is not an accepted form of affection. Seriously, don't do that. It's illegal, not to mention disgusting, but to each his own, I guess. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is she's probably going to be clingy after her loss, and while, for your purposes, you probably won't mind, it's never a good idea to lay all your cards on the table, because then everyone sees your cards, and you can't bluff, which is bad, I think. I don't know how to play poker, but Matt Damon was the bomb in Rounders, yo! Sorry. Bottom line, we all want what we can't have, so a good rule of thumb is to always leave them wanting more until you want no more (by the way, that's the first time I ever made up a rule of thumb. I don't even know what rule of thumb means, but I can tell you that making one up feels like warm apple pie, if you know what I m-- Dam it like a beaver!)

Day eight: Get her drunk. Now, this is not meant as a way to get her into bed for a one night stand, but as a stepping stone to true love by any means necessary--even if those means include getting an emotionally vulnerable recently widowed woman overly inebriated for your own personal gain. There's nothing wrong with that. To quote Ron Burgundy, it's science. It's just a proven fact that people are more honest when they're drunk, and that's exactly what you'll be needing at this juncture, the truth. The only question is, can you handle it? (Yeah, I went there, even though A Few Good Men references went out of style last century.) You need to know where you stand with her, and here's how you tell. If the drunker she gets, the more she's looking to you to hang on her every word about her dead ex, then, Houston, we have a problem. (Yeah, I went there, even though Apollo 13 references were never really in style to begin with, but if they had been, they'd be has beens by now.) However, if the drunker she gets, the more she's hanging all over you, then you, sir, are a steely eyed missile man. (Yeah, I went there, even though this is yet another Apollo 13 reference, only this time it's obscure and would be unrecognizable even if Apollo 13 references were ever popular, were ever popular this century, and were at the height of their popularity at this very moment.)

Day nine: Take offense to something she says or does. If you're the kind of person who would try to woo a widow less than ten days after she lost her significant other, then you're probably not easily offended, but you're probably the kind of person who has offended quite a few people in your day. Well, now all that line crossing is finally going to pay off. Think back to those offenses, and in particular why they happened and the offended party's reaction. Got it? Great! Now, wait for the opportune moment and react the same way to something the widow says or does to you. It doesn't matter whether it's offensive or not, just that she believes she's offended you. You see, at this point, she's probably still pretty obsessed with her dead spouse (unless she's a dirty, selfish, loose lady of the evening), so you need a way to take her focus off of her dead beloved and put it squarely onto you, and nothing'll do that better or faster than playing on her guilt. If she thinks she's done you wrong (and she's not an aforementioned dirty, selfish, loose lady of the evening), she'll want to make it right, and the harder you make it for her to do that, the more obsessed she'll become with it, and, in turn, with you, and the less time she'll have to obsess over her dead ex.

Day ten: Forgive her with a kiss. For better or worse, physical contact seals most deals, whether it be a handshake, hug, punch, slap, kick, or sexy time a la Borat. And in the romantic realm, the kiss is usually one of the first make or break moments in a relationship. So, when you finally decide to forgive her for her day nine slight, do it with a kiss. Chances are she's still feeling pretty guilty, so she'll give you a lot of leeway, letting you get away with the kiss even if she's not too keen on you as more than a friend, and if you know what you're doing, that's all the opportunity you'll need to turn the tide or, as previously mentioned, seal the deal, because, really, who craves physical affection more than a lonely widow? (You know, besides nymphomaniacs and shut-ins, and the very rare nymphomaniac shut-in.) Let's face it, the key to her chastity belt was probably buried along with her ex, and chances are she's just been waiting for someone to come along and pick the lock. And the only way for you to know if your slim jim's up to the task, is to hit her with your best shot, and hope she reacts like Will Ferrell in Old School, i.e., "Once it hits your lips, it's so good!" (your kiss) leading to, "I'm going streaking!" (you getting the girl).