How to Seem like an Intellectual

Are you below average in the looks department? Do you lack the money it takes to be liked by people? Are you not really good at any particular thing? Don't despair! Perhaps you could be an intellectual.

"But I'm not even smart." you are probably saying, and you're right. Nevertheless, you can get the reputation in your community of being a man or woman of great brilliance. You do not have to study anything, just take the following shortcuts to intellectualism.

1) Get an intellectual sounding nickname. Try Doc or Professor or Maestro. Other good ones: Cornelius, Frenchy, and Brain. For girls try, Doc, Teach or Margaret. Introduce yourself to everyone this way from now on, and after a while it will stick.

2) Don't go too far with idea #1. Nicknames like Genius, Einstein, or Smarty-pants, could backfire.

3) Switch from drinking beer to wine. If everyone is having wine, ask for a martini.

4) Fill in all the boxes in the crossword puzzle with letters. Leave it out where people will see it. Don't worry, no one will check to see if your letters even spell anything, let alone if they answer a crossword clue. Hint: do not put the same letters in each box. Mix them up a bit. A good dictionary should have a list of all the letters available.

5) Carry around a classic work of literature. Not too classic, like 'War and Peace' or 'A Tale of Two Cities'. Those are too obvious. Almost anything else with a hard cover will work though.

6) If someone asks if you really are reading it, smile and say, "You know me, I only look at the pictures."

7) They might ask something specific like, "Don't you find Ivan Denisovich to be unrealistic as a protagonist?" In that case be vague. Say, "Well, you know the Russians."

8) If anyone ever contradicts something you say simply smile knowingly and say, "Exactly".

For example:

They: "Don't you find Kafka to be bleak?"

You: "Well, you know the Russians."

They: "Actually Kafka was born in Prague."

You: "Exactly"

Saying that one word makes you sound like you anticipated their silly comment and you are way ahead of them.

9) Wear glasses. Not sunglasses but reading glasses. Touch them often.

Push them up on your nose, or take them off and clean them while conversing.

10) Let people know you read stuff on Associated Content.

So try these suggestions. And, hey Doc, we'll see you around.