How to Have Sex

Come to think of it, you shouldn't be reading something like this. Especially if you are under the age of 18, in which case (shame on you) you should be on a Disney website, practicing algebra, or playing pranks around your neighborhood.

If you are over 18, then shame on you just the same if you have not grasped the basics at this point and feel the need to read an instructional article about it.
If by some crazy coincidence you are exactly 18, and not a day more, you've probably clicked on this article by mistake. Inform your parents, or the nearest adults within twenty feet of you, right away. Go now! Go!

Now that we've gotten rid of the wimpy hangers-on: Then you, my enduring readers of unusual curiosity and determination, have remained to see this through. Your strength and worthiness will land us upon strange shores, and we will battle our way across hostile lands, knowing the unknown, eating the uneaten, to hinge the unhinged, and perhaps even learn why men laugh at stories involving the line "just jiggle the handle!"

1) Finding Sex (for Men) - First one must find where to explore for possible opportunities to obtain sex.

Men:
If you are looking for women, they are almost always to be found shopping. Mostly for shoes. This is not some short-lived fad in a few neighborhoods; women everywhere, from Peru to Pennsylvania, seem to have a similar drive to hunt down and bag as many of these things as possible. "Whoever dies with the most shoes wins!" seems to be their battle cry. Oddly enough, very few men try this avenue where a great number of females abound.

Walk into any shoe store (preferrably one that doesn't sell baseball cards-- try one with handbags in the front display). You will notice a minimum of three women in there at any given time, namely the salesperson, a woman, and her shopping friend. This is known as the Pythagorean Theorem Method of shoe-shopping, where three people triangulate on a range of shoes between them, and (try to) eliminate the ones they are not going to buy. It takes one to suggest a shoe, another to say why it's nice, and a third to change her mind. And it's not always the same role being played by each person at any given moment. Be on your guard.

Now approach this group with a big smile, and express your shoe preference to contribute your opinion. "Hey, this one is a lot like those new Manolo's, the strappy ones that came out this year! Fabulous!" you might add. "Can you get these in size 14?". The women will pretend to ignore you, but be persistent. That's part of the fun. They might head for the Victoria's Secret lingerie store. Be assured this an encouraging sign. They want you to follow them, Big Boy!

Women:
A word of advice: One day you will be out shopping with your friend, and some weirdo guy will be asking about the cloned pumps on display. They won't even be Manolo's. He is either just a friendly cross-dresser or mentally damaged in some way. He will try to break up your efficient Shopping Triangle because he doesn't know how that method works. Do your best to ignore him if he begins to change the topic from shoes, to say, your phone number. Get your friend to either pull you away, or secretly call your cell phone so you can pretend to get an 'emergency' call! Duck into a women's lingerie store, and whisper to the staff you are being stalked by your ex and need to hide before you call security.

2) Finding Sex (for Women)

Women:
Where can one find men? Any television set showing footage of a ball being thrown, or a car blowing up, or even a soccer ball bursting into flames, will attract men like a bathtub drain sucks down clumps of hair. They simply have no choice. They will be inexplicably drawn in, fascinated, like those chimpanzees in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Set up a trap nearby consisting of a low table with a bowl of chips, popcorn, or a box of pizza. Wait about five minutes, and if no ones comes by, try leaving the remote control next to the bowl. You will soon have a dozen guys in sports jerseys engaging in a variety of activities, from (a)loudly watching basketball, or (b)loudly arguing about basketball. They will be there for a very long time, as long as you are not bored enough to change the channel. Oh sure, they will pretend to ignore you, but they will eventually get hungry while unable to leave the TV, in case something kind of athletic happens. This is the best time to talk to each of them and get to know them better. At worst, they will be impressed with your "cooking skills" and ask to be invited back soon!

Men:
Don't you hate it when you are watching sports with your buddies, and some woman has to ruin it by trying to talk about relationships? Nobody told them you have to wait for halftime and ESPN's "Game So Far" crucial analysis to even bring the hotwings! Ignore the women, and they will soon get bored with this man-business, and simply go away. In the meantime, you can make her fetch food. She doesn't care about the game, anyway.

Women:
While you are sure to attract men this way, it can get messy, and you will need help cleaning up the furniture later on. This is why I recommend using the TV display wall at Circuit City or Best Buy to set up the trap --er, I meant "viewing area". Be sure to tip the janitors later when you leave.

Both:
Women are found in one place, Men in another. This can only mean that instead of my genius advice, you will end up trying to find each other in a disco. That's right, because people's greatest phobias are of the dark, crowds, and loud noises. A place that combines all three would be perfect for getting acquainted with someone you can't hear, see too well, or even meet again after just blinking your eyes twice. You have a better chance winning the lottery than bagging a keeper. This is why it's called "Getting Lucky".

2) Choosing Sex

Now that you know where to find someone, in fact several someones, so you have to make a choice.

A main criteria for choosing a partner seems to be height. You must find someone almost exactly the same height as you! I prefer short women myself. Being shorter than most men, I have tried for years to get a date in high school; this has yielded two vital conclusions:

-Short women like tall men (bummer).
-This leaves you with tall women who like (drum roll, please) ... even taller men!

"Hold on", one of you girls might say, "I happen to be dating a short man and it has been wonderful! He has many redeeming qualities, if you don't superficially judge him for his height!" I'm very sure you are right. He probably also owns some nice things you like, such as a sports car or a software company or a bank, that make you forget you look like a hilarious sitcom premise on NBC. But all the best to you and your fortunate relationship. Now look away as I roll my eyes at you, so only my friends can see.

3) Having Sex

If you know how to have sex, then you are smart enough not to ask.
If you need advice from me of all people, then Mother Nature has clearly chosen you as someone so special that you are not to reproduce, lest your unique special-ness be tainted by an inferior copy of yourself.

Now that we all feel better about ourselves, some issues must be discussed:

-Safety items: Never try to involve superglue, a jack-in-the-box, an orbital sander or propane tanks, in any combination whatsoever. Chainsaws are legally okay in some states. Wear your safety goggles at all times. If you don't have goggles, a Batman mask will do in a pinch. Putting on a deep superhero or announcer voice is optional. But singing the theme song might be fun.

-Etiquette: In consideration of others, do not point and laugh at anything. Ever. It takes a considerable amount of effort to get this far, and both of you are actually there. For heaven's sake, just congratulate each other for ending up naked together. That is a reward in itself. You can practically say "Thank you", and go home at this point, if you like. Just put on your clothes before heading outside.

I feel I must conclude by saying : "If you own a sports car, bank, or software company, please contact me if you are interested in having me inherit them." And if you readers have any suggestions or complaints, just keep in mind that I'm currently in a disco, and I can't hear you very well.