How to Shape Your Toddler's Emerging Will

Parenting toddlers effectively often seems like a constant battle of wills. Toddlers have a will of their own, do you? Toddlers, by definition, are in the process of developing into young individuals with a will of their own. During the phase from 18 - 36 months, dramatic growth in cognitive and social skills takes place, primarily as language emerges. Parents can recognize this by the increase in the child's use of "no," "mine," or tantrums as the toddler begins to assert his will.

Children need boundaries to feel safe and to feel loved. Psychologists, like Abraham Maslow, include the establishment of a sound and consistent morality for a child within the second most basic human need, that is for safety. ( see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs ) In spite of this, many parents today neglect or underplay this area, or at least put more emphasis on the educational issues, perhaps because they are less controversial. Permissiveness has become fashionable, as parents want to be their child's friend. They will build many friendships as they mature, but what they need from their parents is someone to teach and guide them in the most basic development of "right" and "wrong."

Parents want to encourage the natural growth of the toddler's will, but shape it according to accepted ideas of "right" and "wrong." The first thing to realize is that it is a good thing for a toddler to have a developing will. He is on his way to becoming an individual. Secondly, a toddler's behavior will include "right" and "wrong." The trick is whether to shape your child's will to yours, or allow the child's will to run free. Some measure of exploration is to be encouraged in your toddler. Toddlers will, of course, test the boundaries you establish repeatedly, so parents need to be consistent. The boundaries expand as the child grows and matures, but even as adults, we must adhere to social boundaries or pay the consequences. Children need to understand this.

For example, he should be free to explore his living environment, but within reason. Items that may pose a danger should be removed or secured away from his exploration. Within the allowed freedom, then, his will is free to explore. If he wills to play with the blocks, he can. If he wills to throw them at you, then what? Gently dissuade him from throwing his toys by sitting with him and building a tower or road. Explain that throwing toys is not a good idea because someone or something can get hurt. Be firm, but gentle. The best parents are much more than friends to their children, they are mentors and guides. Don't be afraid to be a parent.

Parents, be consistent in your decisions. The more consistent we can be as we field his explorations and responses, the more secure he will feel, and therefore, the more loved. When a child knows he is safe and loved, he is inherently more confident to explore further. He gains an understanding of what is and what is not acceptable. He also begins to understand that his choices carry with them certain consequences. Every time your toddler throws a toy, he must be reminded that we are not to throw toys because someone can get hurt, or because something may be damaged. Every time he listens to your directions to pick up his toys or sit down, he must be praised emphatically. Listening skills are among the vital milestones in the development of a toddler.

Parents must be as diligent to reward "right" behavior as to correct "wrong" behavior. Many times, parents are so busy they fail to notice their toddler's positive behaviors and growth. Time is the most valuable gift you have to give to your children, so make the most of it. Regardless of the lasting beauty, recognize and appreciate your child's artwork. It may look like scribbles to you, but to him, it is a masterpiece, and he made it for you! Find a way to value what he values. At the same time, do not be afraid to be the parent. When your child does something you deem "unacceptable" - a tantrum, perhaps - consistently, firmly, and lovingly correct his behavior. If he wants a piece of candy in the grocery line, perhaps you can buy it for later. For some toddlers, "no" is their favorite word. In most cases, defiance should not be acceptable, but the toddler may be given choices - clearly defined and obvious choices. Allowing him to make choices, builds his self-confidence.

For example, it is bedtime and the toddler doesn't want to go to bed. He throws a loud tantrum complete with screaming and arm swinging. (Remember that our goal is to instill a sense of security in the child.) If this behavior is routine at bedtime, make some adjustments in the preparatory time. Build a bedtime routine. This might start with toy pick up, then a bath, tooth brush time, and finally, a story selected by the child. Parents may find the toddler wants the same story every night. That's OK! Consistency is crucial to a toddler right down to the stories. You might allow him to tell you the story sometimes, just for the sake of variety. It may take time to build this routine, but it will be well worth the time spent for both you and your toddler.

The bottom line is that parents want their children to grow up with a sense of contentment. The consistent implementation of defined morality is crucial to the sense of security needed by every child. These moral boundaries keep the child safe physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, as he ventures out into the world of choices. When an individual feels safe and secure, he is empowered to explore, and grow, and make positive choices and pursue his own happiness. What more could any parent want?