How to Shop for Holiday Gifts for a Conservative (If You Must)

He only drinks Coors Light, and yells at you to "dump out that hippie Canadian crap" if he catches you with something as exotic as a Labatt's Blue in your hand. He not only shops at Wal-Mart, but owns a few shares of its stock too. He has thirteen yellow ribbon magnets on the back of his pickup arranged in the shape of the liberty bell. He won't watch CNN because he calls it the "Communist News Network" (and he laughs loudly every time he says this, which is often.) He also just happens to be your dad/uncle/brother/buddy.

And you have to buy him a Christmas present.

What with their hearty embrace of capitalism, you'd think the right could get their celebrities out in the marketplace and make the shopping season a little easier on us. But you simply can't find Limbaugh-brand generic OxyContin substitute, and the Mark Foley-licensed 16-year-old-boy-blow-up-doll won't hit the market in time for this year's Holiday rush. So we'll have to explore some creative options when it comes time to shop for the GOP enthusiasts in our lives.

1. A Toby Keith CD
Now this is a really great idea because it's something that your loved one can share with his entire family. You're not simply giving the gift of music; the lucky recipient can use the CD as an educational aid to teach his children about American values like xenophobia and profiling. Just picture them dancing around the Christmas tree hand-in-hand singing "we'll put our boot in your ass/ it's the American way!" Isn't that what the Baby Jesus would want on his birthday?

2. A Dreidel
I'm not implying that all republicans are Jewish children. It's just that I know how much joy right-wingers get from spinning things. I know the dreidel is steeped in Hebrew tradition, and I mean no disrespect, but the senseless non-stop spinning action makes it the perfect toy for republican rhetoric-spewers. The dreidel will come in handy when your loved one finally exhausts his B.S. pile. Can't find any more ways to blame the Middle East's problems on the Clinton administration? Can't find any more links between affordable healthcare and full-blown Communism? Tired of blaming the Republican molestation of teenage boys on Democrats and the LIEberal (LOL, that one gets funnier every time) media? Turn your limitless spinning energies towards the dreidel for a while.

3. Golf Balls
I don't know; it just seems like all of the republican-voting people I know love to play golf. What's that all about?

4. A Case of Bottled Water, So They Don't Overheat in Iraq
It only stands to reason that anybody who supports the war in theory also supports it in practice; therefore, all conservative war-supporters are obviously off fighting in Iraq right now. It's a harsh environment, and these republican heroes risk dehydration without water. Wait, what? What do you mean they're sitting in their corner offices? Well, they at least sent their kids to the war-huh? They're all at Harvard while the war rages on? Well this just doesn't make sense at all…

5. A Donation to MoveOn.org in Their Name
This is the perfect prank gift, and it kills two birds with one stone: you're giving a heartfelt present and donating to a good cause at the same time. And if they get mad about it, just play ignorant. Pretend you're deeply hurt and say, "I thought you would really like this because I know how politically conscious you are." This is an easy trick to pull off because 1) Conservatives have no concept of sarcasm or irony and 2) All conservatives have a superiority complex that makes them assume all liberals are stupid. So they'll probably believe your lie and forgive you in time for next Christmas, when you'll have learned your lesson and can make their gift donation to the American Civil Liberties Union instead.

Now do you see how easy it is to remedey our GOP gift-giving woes with just a little creativity? Just don't get too open-minded (or the terrorists will have already won.)