How to Be a Single Mom Without Pulling Out All of Your Hair

Motherhood is one of the most difficult positions a woman can handle no matter what time period we are in. But, being a single mother is ten times as more work because of that key word, single. There is the lack of a spouse or significant other for whatever reason life has dealt us and then we begin the lifelong journey of worries, what ifs and the I wish he turn eighteen tomorrows when he is only eighteen months! I am a single mother and I know firsthand what it is like to raise children with limited support. With arising issues such as health care, inflation, and the most infamous No Child Left Behind act, what single mother can't help but to pull out bits and pieces of her hair every now and then? We as single mothers do not need sympathy, but we do need support. We need less worry and less stress because this is a long-term position that requires patience, money, love, kindness, appreciation, money and more money!

Imagine the single mother who is just trying to make ends meet such as putting food on the table, shoes on their growing children's feet, and providing simple things for their children such as time. Time is very precious in a single mother's world. Generally, my day starts at 5:00 a.m. and normally does not end until 11:00 p.m. I know, I know, it is not healthy, but when one is working full-time, seeing the kids off to school, cooking dinner, and helping with homework, who said I was able to go to bed at 8:00 p.m.? Did I mention that I also attend school online? And oh yeah, I like to take my children to extracurricular activities such as museums, amusement parks, sports, the zoo and parks. We also like to go to the movies, buy an occasional pair of sneakers and perhaps rent the latest video game. I also find time to write so I can share my world of single parenthood with others without totally losing all of my hair before retirement age!

It doesn't stop there though. I think my hardest part of role as a single mother is dealing with different personalities. No not me, but myself and my two sons. See, we all fall into different age groups, which means I cannot expect my two children who are being brought up in the millennium era to act like an 80's kid such as myself. Kids nowadays want video games, computers, I-pods and two hundred dollar pairs of sneakers. Back in the day, I was happy with a piece of wire rope the telephone company man left behind for us girls to jump double-dutch rope with.

I am here to share my stories of how I did it and am still doing it. I want to portray how we as single mothers do not have a choice but to raise productive young men and women so they can grow up to be a part of this universe with some sense of reality, civility, and knowing that their mother worked hard all her life to provide therefore they should give back. I want to hear all about your tears, fears and smiles of joy because you didn't think little Joey would graduate on time and here he is today a CEO of a Fortune 500 company. I want to make us laugh, because we as single mothers believe there is no time to play, that life is serious 101 % of the time and that there is no room for error. In that fashion, this is true, but we do deserve to have fun sometimes. After all, we have given up cocktails with our girlfriends, weekend trips, being able to work a certain career that requires 50% travel, shopping trips and late nights out just hanging in the city. It is very difficult to give up the luxuries that one once explored at age 21, 31 and nowadays, 41! But single moms, let's share our journey and pray that by retirement age, we still have all of our hair!

Why Me Syndrome
Conversation With God
1998

Oh Lord, he left me today with a newborn and a toddler and I'm only 24. Why me? Why can't I be married to a wonderful man who works and takes care of his home and family? Why can't I have a life, and not worry about raising two beautiful beings of society by myself 99% of my time? Why did I allow this to happen to me? Why didn't I just wait? Why didn't I finish college? Why did I not see this coming? Why wasn't I more careful and selective of a mate? More cautious? How am I going to do this without losing my mind?

Will I ever have a life again? Can I still make a difference in this world without being just someone's office worker and a single mom? Will my kids miss their father? Will they have a father? Will he do his part and keep a job and play ball with them from time to time? Come over and read to them? Give them medicine when they are sick? Join me in the emergency room when one of them gets sick? Make sure they brush their teeth and clean their ears? Clean their room? What about talking to them about growing up to be respectable young men? Will he be there to portray a good example of what a man is when they become teenagers? What about peer pressure, high school, this ill-fated culture we live in? Will they be heavily influenced, or will he not be there to assist me when it comes time to have the talk?

"Um, no," God answered. "That's your job now."

Will I ever get a break? What about the rising costs of daycare, how can I afford it? Is there assistance for such people like me? Oh my God, why me?

"Why not you?" God replied.

Well what about the 13.6 million single mothers who are already out there doing this? Do they feel the same way as I do? How are they doing it? Do they ponder and pray and pray and ponder every day? Do they feel my pain? Do they not have the same worries as myself? Do they have the same fear about health, finances, and standard of living such as myself? Do they look forward to the joys of elementary, middle and high school for their little ones?

I hear a noise that tells me that this conversation is now over and it is my newborn because he needed to be fed. Wow, was I really talking to God? Was He playing with my emotions? Or was He really trying to tell me something?

In the Beginning

Yes, in the beginning, God did make the heavens and the earth and man and woman. He made man and woman to multiply and produce beings all over this planet. So why, in the world do women have to suffer more especially in this day and age? I thought Eve did enough to us by eating that darn apple and passing on menstrual cramps and labor pains forever and an eternity. Why are women and sometimes men, struggling over the single parenthood craze? I often think back to my conversation that I had with God that day and even though it is only nine years later, I get closer and closer to the answer day by day.

We are nurturers by nature. Women can breastfeed, kiss a bruise on our five year-old's arm and make them feel better.

Statistics

According to the US Census Bureau, 13.6 million women in America are single mothers. That means the sole responsibility of sending children to college, teaching them about finances, feeding, clothing, providing healthcare for their children and making sure they don't become delinquent in any shape, form or fashion falls upon the mother.

Before the turn of the century, women did not work. They stayed home and cooked, cleaned and took care of the children. Then after the men were in WWI, women began to work the jobs that the men left behind. Some even had the opportunity to join the military to become a nurse a.k.a. nurturers. In comes the 1960's-1980's. By this time, women had learned to become so independent, that they were already doing it all. What did they possibly need their husbands for? He was just another mouth to feed. Although the majority of men did come home to provide for their families, things weren't exactly the same. They were either traumatized by the war, disabled, unemployed, or just didn't make it back. That is where the woman really became strong and independent.

Reality vs. Realization

Vietnam in the late 1960's was another war story. Not only was the US fighting in terms of conflict and instigation, but there were also more casualties than normal. Thus, depleting the availability of men who would normally be strong, hardworking, responsible fathers and husbands. Women again were handed down the torch of mother, widow, wife, nurturer, nurse, doctor, healer, sole bread-winner, and most of all interpreter.

Women now had to interpret to their children why they now had to work two jobs instead of going to PTA meetings in the afternoons. They had to interpret why they were not able to have dinner ready at five o'clock and dessert by six, when it was already past the children's bedtime. This ongoing trend just continued on throughout the �â'¬Ëœ70's, 80's, 90's and of course in our recent time, the new millennium or early 2000's.

Truly, there were and still are some responsible men out there, but because of certain circumstances that has occurred in our society, women have had to hold up the sky while shopping for the groceries for a long time.

Disappearing Marriages

Oh where oh where have all the marriages gone? Statistics show that the divorce rates are on the rise and have been in the past ten years. Why are people getting divorced more so now than ever? Fifty years ago, there was no such thing as divorce. You stuck it out even if your husband was tired of it all and winking at Susie from the next three blocks over. You did it for the children. You did it to save embarrassment. You did it because you knew nothing about independence.

Independence? Wow, that's a stickler, because there are so many women out there now who are independent with or without a mate that you'd think we lived in a separatist society. I believe women, including married women now, are so into doing it all, because of the opportunities offered. and to prove a point that we can do it. Even Hillary Clinton who ran for president must have known that becoming the first female president would have provided more than just living in the White House, twice.

Marriage probably does not work for a vast amount of reasons: domestic violence, boredom, sickness, second doubts after only a few months (perhaps days), deviance, hopelessness, or just plain not ready. I always view the number one reason for divorce as just not being ready. There is no right age for marriage either, just like there is not a right age to have children. It just happens, and if one can handle it, then great, Happy Living! If not then ladies, let's not be bitter women when it is time to raise those kids by ourselves. And let's not pull out all of our hair, either!

We try to do it all, but at the same time, at some point, just can't. Stress is a number one killer on this planet and who will take care of your children if that happens? Especially as a single parent? Let me share a few tips with you all:

Realize that you can only need to figure out what really matters. As a single mother, what matters to me is a good paying steady income, decent place to live, good schools, and food on the table.

What matters is knowing that I can pay my bills and have money leftover for my necessities and my children's necessities. A fixed budget is what I am talking about here. Providing for extras are great, but being as frugal and careful for those rainy days are more important.

College is VERY important. You want your children to have what you didn't so PLEASE encourage them to go to college. It is hard for us to work these meaningless jobs, so we will not have our children to do the same.

Ethical values are serious. What I mean by this is our children will not be children one day. Teach them values about the workplace, the opposite sex, politics, racism, violence and drug awareness. Teach them the value of a dollar. Teach them what it means to work hard to get something instead of doing things the fast way. The fast way most times suffers great consequences, and not just a soft behind, either.

Keep a Journal and write down your goals, dreams, fears, awakenings, tears, joy, etc. This helps you go back to see what you have and have not accomplished, what needs to be worked on, and what next.

And most of all, be happy at how far you have gotten. A lot of times, single mothers beat themselves up for the lack of and what they could not do. I know, been there, done that. But now, it is a joy for me to look back and see that I still have all of my hair from being a single mother because of the accomplishments I made and the trials I have overcome.