How Small Issues Can Cause Big Problems in Relationships

It is no secret that a large portion of marriages in America end in divorce. In 2008, the rate of divorce for first time marriages in America was between 40% and 50%, with the numbers climbing with each subsequent marriage (Grazian). What could be to blame for the high divorce rates among American couples? While some research suggests that religion, age, and income are all contributing factors, there is also information that suggests that it is the small things that can cause the most damage to relationships. In the May 2009 issue of Psychology Today, Jay Dixit's article entitled You're Driving Me Crazy! shares how the smallest complaints can cause the biggest damage in today's relationships.

In his article, Jay Dixit explains how the little annoyances can build up over time, eventually resulting in a loss of intimacy. It is impossible to find a companion who is a perfect match to yourself in every possible way, and this simple fact can result in a guarantee of at least a few things you find annoying about your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. It becomes important to work through these small differences, often coming to a compromise, rather than allowing these differences to build an opinion of why you are too different to work as couple for life. Sometimes, in order to help make your relationship flourish, you must come to the realization that you need to accept your differences, rather than maintain your focus on these things which drive you crazy.

There are a few things you must keep in mind when trying to work past the small irritants and start working toward a lasting relationship. First, while you may feel that the annoying behavior is deliberate, you may find that your partner does not know that he or she is doing something that irritates you. If it is something that can be controlled, you may find out that it helps to bring up the problem without doing so in an accusing manner. Second, don't let your differences in cleanliness make a rift in your relationship that cannot be repaired. Instead, try to appreciate what your partner has done to help clean, rather than focusing on what he or she has not done. Another big issue that can result from the small things is feeling like your companion does not love you. This often stems from voices being raised during disagreements, as well as when one partner walks away to avoid the confrontation. In these instances, it is important to either try to work things out calmly together, or to change the mood of the situation altogether.

Appreciation can play a major role in helping improve relationships, as well. Sometimes, your partner does not know how to make you best feel appreciated. While he may believe he is showing you his appreciation through his actions, you may prefer to hear it in words. While she may believe her words are showing you how much she appreciates all you do for her, you may feel most appreciated when it is shown in her actions. In these cases, it is best to communicate what makes you feel the most appreciation so that your companion can know exactly how to show you how thankful he or she is to have you.

Other factors that affect relationships come from lack of intimacy, your partner flirting with others, conflicting personalities, a feeling of unfairness, and your partner appearing overcritical. In all of these instances, as in the instances above, a change in your own behavior can help to turn these situations around. Talking to your partner about how you are feeling, and taking steps toward making sure your partner isn't feeling the same ways in return, can go a long way in improving your relationship. In return, you and your spouse (or boyfriend or girlfriend) have a lower risk of becoming a divorce statistic in the future.

If you would feel more comfortable following this advice only after it was proven through research, there are ways of putting this information to the test. You want to perform a controlled experiment that proves that changing the way you communicate your feelings and the way that you allow your feelings to control you can help to work past the small annoyances causing a big problem in your relationship. You want to see how accurate the hypothesis is that changing yourself can change your relationship for the better.

One good way to test the information in Jay Dixit's article would be to pull together two large groups of couples, both experiencing relationship problems stemming from small differences that have built up over time. The first group would be a control group, not working toward making any changes to improve their relationships. The second group would be the experimental group, where the partners were trying to talk about their feelings where the annoyances are concerned and working toward changing their own behaviors in order to help improve their situations.

In order to add some more control to the experiment, the environment of both groups should be the same. Perhaps this experiment could be performed at a couples' retreat, with both the experimental group and the control group coming directly from couples on this retreat. The couples could fill out questionnaires about their feelings toward their partner both before and after the retreat, as well as a month, six months, and a year after the retreat, in order to see how the couples' feelings have changed as a result of the experiment.

To add to the experiment, this same test could be performed at more than one couples' retreat. After the experiments have been performed and the results from the questionnaires have been evaluated, the researchers would be able to see whether or not the experimental group was making progress towards working past their problems in their relationships, and whether the differences in their relationships varied from the differences in the relationships of the control groups. If the evidence of the experiment showed that the couples in the experimental group had far greater improvements in their relationships than the control groups, then the information shared in Jay Dixit's article You're Driving Me Crazy! would be proven to be true. Making simple changes in your own behavior can greatly improve your relationship with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. Your relationship can be saved if you just work through the small differences, rather than dwelling on the differences and allowing them to remain annoyances that are building up.

In Psychology Today, the article You're Driving Me Crazy! by Jay Dixit suggests that making changes in yourself is an effective way to help you and your partner work past the small differences that cause big problems in relationships. Through the experiment described above, Jay Dixit's theories can be put to the test.

Sources

Dixit, Jay. "You're Driving Me Crazy!" Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness Find a Therapist. 1 May 2009. Web. 8 Sept. 2009. .

Grazian, Robert. "Statistics of Divorce." EzineArticles Submission - Submit Your Best Quality Original Articles For Massive Exposure, Ezine Publishers Get 25 Free Article Reprints. Web. 10 Sept. 2009. .

Weiten, Wayne. Psychology Themes and Variations, Briefer Edition (with Concept Charts). 7th ed. Belmont: Wadsworth, 2007. Print.