How to Make Soccer More Popular

I've been wondering why Americans never get terribly interested in soccer (or as the Europeans say: foozball... or is it football?). Is it simply because the U.S. is lousy at professional level soccer? Is that why we obsess over basketball, football and baseball? Maybe. I do feel sometimes that my fine fellow Americans have a case of the sore-loser-itis. For decades we Americans practically ignored the strategic art of Chess. Then, when American Bobby Fisher won a series of international championships, our nation suddenly became very interested. When Fisher retired and the Russians took back the title, the U.S. lost interest once more, and now chess is a game to be played by nerds at your local college coffee shop, or to be stored between Monopoly and Hungry, Hungry Hippos in the downstairs closet. I have a sneaky suspicion it is the same with soccer. Because we never win the World Cup,the U.S. isn't in love with the sport.

The strange thing is: Americans grow up playing soccer. It's a childhood rite of passage. So many kids play soccer at sometime in their life, you'd think they would be passionate about the game during adulthood. Yet, most American adults I know don't even know who Pele is. Most guess that it's the Hawaiian goddess of lava.

Why I can remember being a five year old out in the yard, and my old man would take me out in the back yard and kick soccer balls in my face. Very painful, but I enjoyed the time we shared together. Every spare weekend, or family vacation, he always made sure to get a little bit of recreation in, and alway managed to smack me in the face with that wonderful black-and-white sphere. *sigh*

Still, despite the nostalgia factor, we Americans still don't buy into soccer. There must be something about it that is a tad bit boring. So, here are a few humble suggestions for improvement:

1) One thing that is missing in Professional Soccer but that can be found in Youth Soccer: Hot Soccer Moms! The Pro-Circuit needs these women on the sidelines, passing out Hi-C Fruit punch to the players and yelling out thtreatening words of encouragement.

2) Cheerleaders. (Maybe Pro Soccer has these, but I never see them on the sidelines. Maybe they get consumed by the crowd-riots early on in the game.) It would be fine with me if the Hot Soccer Moms dressed as the Cheer Staff.

C) More violence on the field, less in the stands. I think today's French athlete set a good precedent in giving a head butt to his opponent. Let's face it, sports fans don't want to watch a tea party, they want to see people get hurt. And American sports fans want to feel safe while watching other people get injured. The idea of getting a crow-bar to the head by an angry Irish fan isn't appealing to most of us on this side of the pond.

4) Multiple Balls. Let's face it. There aren't many points scored in a single soccer game. Americans like to see high numbers in their sports games. By using three balls at the same time, there will be a lot more action going on. (We should probably take away goalies too, that'll help increase the final score-count.)

5) Hidden tiger-traps. Oh man, that would be cool.

6) Allow players to grab the ball with their hands-- it's more effective that way. Why just use your legs? And while we're at it, let them pass the ball too. And don't make the ball round, that's too easy, make it sort of oval-like. Then, let the players tackle one another. And since they get to tackle each other, they should wear helmets and pads. And you can score in a couple different ways: just get to the other end of the field, or kick it through the goal posts (but we'll make them high in the air for an extra-special challenge.)

There! That would make soccer a fantastic game!